My 'Saintly' Life

2008-10-08T08:30:00.001-07:00

So today was the last day of school.

Which was quite good - I studied quite a bit. Quite a lot, actually. More or less finished a whole Act from Antony & Cleopatra. Good, good - I'm on track, which is good. Satisfying.

And tomorrow is my last day as a Saint - officially, that is. And with it, one and a half years of SA. [Of course I'll be going back to school for lectures - which kinda defeats the purpose of this concept of 'study breaks', but whatever.]

And, this is also my last post.

GLINDA:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

GLINDA:
Because I knew you

BOTH:
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA:
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

GLINDA:
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH:
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Duet)

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better

GLINDA:
And because I knew you

ELPHABA:
Because I knew you

BOTH:
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good.

I once wrote this song to you, and you told me not to be dramatic. But I don't think I was. I think I was being realistic - at that point of time, at least. And maybe it's true. Because no one knows what the future holds, and you probably don't know the plans I have for my life. But to me, I meant every single word.

Sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if we hadn't met. Maybe we'd both be happier, but maybe not. We'll never know. Perhaps the purpose I had in meeting you was done - and that's why there wasn't any need of me in your life anymore. Perhaps neither of us could have stopped it - maybe God planned it that way.

But if we always spend our lives thinking about the what-ifs, maybes and all, then we'd never move on and merely be spectators of our lives. And at the end, there'd probably be so many regrets that are derived from missing out on the present because of the constant contemplating of the could've-beens.

That said - I always respected your choice, and I always gave you room to choose, and I always tried not to manipulate your choice. I hope I succeeded in what I intended to do, in making everything fair, because I know I told you I'd never fight. And I didn't. Not because I couldn't, but because I believe love isn't something to be won in a battle. It's a choice, and you chose. So I really hope that you are happy with your choice - you believed it to be the best, and maybe it is.

But like I said, we'll never know the future. We might meet in this life - or we might not. So live out the fullest of your life, whether I'm in it or not. And God bless.

So like I said, I'm leaving this blog. Which will remain as the journey of my JC life. Ups and downs - more downs than ups in the 2nd year, clearly. Tomorrow, I will no longer be tied to any school.

Hurray for that, yeah!

Looking back - at everything I've done. I can't say I'm proud of all of them, but they are done. And I know this experience has made me grow. In so many ways.

But it's time to leave, and start it somewhere else. The A's aren't over yet - that I know. But my JC life is.

No more coming to school early in the morning, no more stuffy lecture theatres when the office-people forget to turn on the air-conditioning, no more boring teachers spewing out convoluted masses of words.

BUT!

The friends who were always there, the relationships built/destroyed, the people that helped/hindered me in my JC life - they'll still be there.

And maybe people are the only things that make school worth going for.

Apart from that other 'learning' deal, of course. [Of which we don't. Cos we just learn to 'cynically manipulate the system', as Calvin put it.]

So this is it.

No au revoir - that means we'll meet again - and no one knows about that.

How about a grand

SCHADENFREUDE!

Nah.

Auf wiedersehen! - in tune with the Sound of Music.

Go figure.

:d

2008-10-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

"I only date baseball players, and I only watch movies about - "

"Oh, I know. Baseball!"

"No, cats."

"O-kay, so are there any movies about cats?"

"No..."

"What about movies about dogs?"

"Not unless they're cats disguised as dogs..."

"O-kay, what about movies about farm animals?"

"Are they cats disguised as farm animals? - like, cows and stuff?"

"(pause) Tell you what. How about we wait until a movie about cats comes out - I'll keep a close watch... (runs off)"

And that was from Wizards of Waverly Place by Disney Channel.

Now this is my second-last post :)

2008-10-07T09:01:00.001-07:00

4 times is a BIT too much, if you ask me. That's it. I'm giving it up.

My hair is so long and shaggy and unkempt now.

It's really, REALLY long and untidy and curly and - well, my Mum says it's nice, but I don't think I'm ready to cut it any time soon. Cos I want to wait until about a week or so before my A's, so it'll be nice and neat [in case the examiner gets, like, totally jealous of the school and tries to prevent as many Saints as possible from taking the exam so as to not wreck the grade curve] and by the time the A's are over, they'll just be in time for Prom and the post-Prom [not even sure if I'm going yet] stuff-thing-ishies.

Speaking of Prom and plans after that, I really can't wait for the A's to come and be gone - and yet I know I'm not exactly prepared. Cos according to my calculations, by the end of this week, I should've done 1/4 of my total revision-slash-consolidation of 2 years of JC work, since there are - give or take - 4 more weeks to the A Levels.

On a brighter note, TOMORROW'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! Which is real stupid, cos I only have one Math tutorial, and I end at 10.30. Stupid, much.

But on the other hand, that would also spell the last day of this blog - OOH. So this is more or less my second-last post.

It's sad, cos I can't even put what I want to on this blog, explicitly. I always have to hide them under analogies/equivocations/metaphors [throw in slashes and literary terminology reminscient of Mrs Claudine Tan's teaching - speaking of whom she's calling for lectures on my birthday, not that I'm complaining or anything but] - which actually exclude the proses and poetry and stuff, cos that one is different.

Take for example the box of chocolates that I ate today. There was a huge variety, all in one box, of different types of chocolates, and so I sampled each and every chocolate, trying to determine which was the best. Some of them was like wine [ooh look, a simile in a metaphor!] - you kinda got used to the taste after eating more of it, or tried to like it, while others seemed really nice at first, but sadly followed the Economic Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility and got really gross by the time you were having your 5th or 6th piece. However, what I didn't know was that there was another box of chocolates in the fridge - all more suited to my taste, though I didn't know that I liked that taste, until I tried it. Then it gave me a whole new perspective on the first box of chocolates, and I judged each one differently after.

Would you know this analogy was about friends? Actually, come to think of it, I never write like that.

A bit blatant, if you ask me.

Ah.

It's late, and I don't want to spend another day in school being so tired and feeling really crappy and horrible just because I slept late the night before, and not being able to do work and going home early to sleep just so I can stay up late into a vicious cycle.

No thank you.

"It's quite useless to feel any kind of strong emotion toward anyone if the other person is not / cannot be bothered about it."

2008-10-05T09:28:00.000-07:00

How sickening is it when you plan to study for one day, and end up not studying at all?

Stupid much.

I shouldn't have gone to the library and borrowed those books.

So I didn't do any work at all today and yesterday.

So I'm telling myself, fine. This is the absolute last weekend that I'm slacking. It's going to be full steam ahead now [I think I said that a coupla months back. Procrastination really has something over my life.] cos I was just calculating, and with 4 weeks left to the start of the A's, I haven't finished re-reading any of my Lit books [somewhat halfway through A&C, and at the start of FOC - not to mention FF, P&P (which is so totally major here) and AP], I've only practiced a few topics for Math [read Vectors - which I have to go back to - the Distributions, Differentiation and I hope to finish Integration tomorrow - which leaves a hell lot more of stuff to do], I haven't STARTED on Econs [that one is so screwed - thank God all the people around me are good in Econs] and let's not even go to KI.

4 weeks, and I don't have much time.

WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING BLOGGING???

I'm going back to school with a big ol' chip on my shoulder. Figuratively speaking, of course - since I can't really plaster a chip to my shoulder [it'd be meaningless, not to mention stupid-looking] and I've never been so driven to work before, so it can't really be old. More new, actually.

And I just finished a book where this girl had a chip in her shoulder - she was some spy and someone was tracking her down, but that's beside the point. Really way off-tangent here.

I've committed my A-Level time-table to memory - which is good.

Now I'm really going to get cracking.

[And I just realized I've got about 2 movie outings this week, not to mention having promised my cousin I'd watch HSM 3 with him. GAH.]

I really have to do something.

If only I could be like the 7 Dwarves - so intent on work.

"Hi-ho, hi-ho! It's off to work we go!"

I'd probably be grumpy.

2008-10-04T09:11:00.001-07:00

I just read my previous post and caught a mathematical fallacy.

10 yawns in 1 minute of about 10 seconds long - that's practically impossible, since 1 minute has only 60 seconds. So either I yawned less or the yawns weren't that long. Or it wasn't within a minute.

Ah.

Anyway.

I embarrassed myself yesterday, at Thai Express. Cos I was too lazy to pick up my drink-cup with my hands, so I just tried to manouevre it using my mouth. I picked it up with my teeth, tilted it to drink, and BAM! the cup smashed on the table [thank God it was plastic] and the water spilt all over me, and I couldn't do anything but sit there and laugh.

Wasn't exactly hysterical laughter - just a laughing-at-the-stupidity-of-humans kind of laugh. Those kinds of humour where people trip / scream / get scolded. Kinda sadistic, but funny because we all identify with it.

Right.

It's funny, whenever I go out with Council people, cos somehow we end up splitting into guys and girls. And somehow the girls will end up scolding the guys for some reason or another, and it'd be really Venus VS. Mars or Athena VS. Ares. Mm. Interesting, really.

And yesterday it manifested itself physically when we were going home, where all the girls took the NEL and the guys took the NSL.

It's real interesting to see the difference between the guys and the girls, and somehow, those differences come out all the more when Council people are around.

And it was also really ironic how when, waiting to queue up to go into the restaurant, the girls were the ones in line while the guys went around looking at stuff.

Oy.

One more month 'til the start of my A's.

Oh, the anticipation kills me.

It better not before my A's, though.

With all that studying going on I better at least do the exam before I die.

Kiss me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I need help believing
You're with me tonight

My wildest dreamings
Could not forsee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lost all resistance
And crossed the borderline

And if it turns out
It's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

There you go: another song from Wicked! - "As Long As You're Mine". Been playing in my head the past few days.

Ho hum, eh.

"For the first time, I feel... wicked."

2008-10-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

Tired, much.

Sleepy, actually.

On the bright side, I was quite productive today - I think I did Math for about 7 hours or so.

WOW. That sounds like a lot. Which is good. But I'm tired.

It was quite amusing, sitting in the library with half of ZhiYang's iPod blasting into my ears actually listening to trashy pop music like "When I Grow Up", "Touch My Body", etc. while I yawned constantly into Pris Tan's face.

And I really yawned today - I don't know what was wrong with me, cos I think I yawned like, ten times in a minute, and I'm not exaggerating. Furthermore, it was those kinds of HUGE yawns that stretch out for about 10 seconds or so [again, not an exaggeration].

Then it was out to dinner at PS [how BORING, I know - we spend more than half the day in Potong Pasir and the place we chose to de-stress is a 15 minute ride away. How thrilling.] and I have to rememeber to get back at Ryan for posting those gross pictures of me on Facebook.

Ugh.

I think this is a really boring post.

Cos I'm about to fall asleep.

H'm.

"Third time lucky, my eye. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Period."

2008-10-01T04:42:00.001-07:00

And so A did not intersect B.

I found shoes that were nice - but were not in my size, and I actually found shoes that were in my size - but real ugly.

Sad, isn't it. I think I'll have to look to ordering online if I really want a new pair of shoes... How frustrating.

And my Independent Study is really over now.

Cos Mr Fang didn't call me and tell me that there was something crucial that I forgot or whatever, so it's more or less settled.

Yay.

But it was so annoying yesterday, because even to the last second, the stupid IS was trying to get me into trouble.

Firstly, I write my word count wrongly on the Declaration Form, so I have to change the whole form [rather, Mr Fang had to print new ones out for us who fumbled in writing which led to cancellations and stuff]. Then John comes along, nice guy as he is, and edits my work especially my bibliography - which quite saved my life, I think - and so I have an extra page more than I originally did. So I forget to change the total number of pages on the 'Footers' tab in Microsoft Word. Instead, I joyously run up the stairs to the Photocopying Shop, print everything, bind it, go down, and proudly shove it in my teachers' faces. So they're like, 'Check the pages' and I obediently flip through it - and I don't know what it was; perhaps it was my subconsicous mind or whatever, but I start to have a bad feeling towards the end, and when I reach the last page, I see 'Page 14 of 13'. I almost screamed there and then. So I print everything out all over again, run up to get them re-binded [the photocopying lady looked like she wanted to slap me when I told her my problem] and down again, to submit. Happily. And Mr Fang reads it and goes, "This isn't the 30th of August" because apparently, I wrote in 30/08/2008 for the date.

I could have died.

But that was all over and today was NOT productive at all - it took me one whole hour to do one stupid question, even with Ryan telling me what to do and stuff.

Stupid Math.

On another note, I just realized that there are only FIVE more days to Farewell Assembly.

WHICH MEANS I WILL NOT HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED LEARNING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IN 5 DAYS!!! (University doesn't really count.)

Bittersweet. Perhaps.

"People are much more complicated to juggle as compared to tasks."

2008-09-30T08:01:00.001-07:00

And so he yelled and screamed to the wind, willing it to respond to him like it used to, to feel the tangible power tingling at his very will, to manipulate it as he once could, the symbiotic relationship both giving and receiving, fuelling his power, knowing the wind was as much a slave to him as he was to it. But silence greeted him with a whip on his face. The wind was no longer his to control. It moved where it would now, and nothing he could do would change it. With it, it left an emptiness. That could not be filled no matter how he raged and stormed and tempered...

SO! NO MORE INDEPENDENT STUDIES EVER AGAIN!

YES!

And so that's 40% of my KI grade.

Gosh.

All that work for the past few months - all up to God now. And those darned Cambridge markers who determine our future.

Tch.

As for now, though I'm just relishing not having to be worried about it anymore.

So basically, I've cleared the obstacles I've been ranting about in this blog for the past few months: I've stepped down from Council, my dance has been choreographed, Rapture is over, the Block Tests are over, Prelims are over - and now what's left is the actual A Levels.

Shudder, to think of that.

30 days more. That's a month. 4 weeks. To my first paper.

OH MY GOD. That is real scary.

I'm going to swing into full-study mood now.

After this novel, of course...

***

This blog is getting too public. Which is why its expiration date is fast approaching. About a week more or so. Hm. Need to find a nice blogskin for my other blog. To clean off, to start afresh.

AND. My plans for my birthday [see one of my archives if you can actually be bothered] are totally ruined because Mrs Tan goes all 'for the 5 days between the end of your last paper before Paper 5, you are mine and I am yours' and I'm all, but it falls on my birthday!

What the heck. That sucks so bad.

On the other hand, I started listening to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang songs!

Well - okay, song - since I only listen to the theme song. But it's quite catchy, and child-like, and kinda much-needed from all this grotesque academia.

Right.

And on a totally random note, I feel like dying. Just because the numbers add up one way in the phenomenal world and in the social world does not actually mean it'll add up utility-wise - cos quantity does not equate quality, and though those that are closer to the centre of the circle do actually encompass possibilities of sorts - quite a lot, actually - it seems that energy spent on studying and stuff leaves me lacking in the areas of working toward a tighter shape, and as a result I scream at space.

Enough abstraction for now.

My mind needs sleep. And rest. And stuff.

Ooh wow, I'm going shoe-shopping tomorrow! - And as bimbotic as that sounds, I'm just going to the Converse Warehouse Sale - hopefully I can find something in my size which I actually like - but more often that not, A does not intersect B.

Of course, that's kinda my fault.

***

I saw HSM 2 last night - and I must say it really brings back memories, since it was so long ago.

And I think I actually like some of the songs a lot now, after listening to them again [and not listening to them in a long time], like Everyday - what I blogged about at the New Year's countdown thing with my Council buddies, and even You Are The Music In Me [and laughing with Sam about Sharpay's "5, 6, 7, 8!" version].

And I definitely want to watch HSM 3 - the songs actually seem nice, and I think Lucas Grabeel actually has a role here - not to mention that I think Ashley Tisdale looks better and better with each sequel ;)

You know the words 'Once Upon A Time'
Make you listen
There's a reason
When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter
Or Happy Ever After

You're the harmony
To the melody
That's echoing inside my head
A single voice
Above the noise
And like a common thread

When I hear my favourite song
I know that we belong
You are the music in me
It's living in all of us
And it's brought us here because
You are the music in me

"You're the harmony / To the melody / That's echoing inside my head..."

Yup.

2008-09-24T11:54:00.001-07:00

And the break turns into an hour-long surf on YouTube for videoes.

I have got to straighten out my priorities.

2008-09-24T10:47:00.001-07:00

So I'm on my IS-break now. Finishing soon.

Can't wait. Gosh.

Of Paper 5 and empowerment:

Throw me out on the street
I get back on my feet
I'm completely hardcore!

I got my name in black and white
And I have not begun to fight
But I feel so much better
Hello, much better
C'mon, let's go
I can go much better
I am so much better

Maybe Mary Poppins has finally shown up!

Yeah, whatever.

"I dreamed of your name next to my own / But mine's looking fine up there alone..." Or is it?

2008-09-24T08:46:00.001-07:00

Ah...

I suddenly feel so relaxed, and I am in such a great mood.

I have an IS to write, but the night stretches before me, full of possibilities, my brain brewing with ideas, concepts, that I have to shape and craft into an essay.

I can do that.

I am totally calm and relaxed! [My goodness, I sound like Becky Bloomwood here. Gosh.]

But I'm just listening to lounge music now, while attempting to do my IS. You notice I'm attempting - since I'm blogging, I'm not exactly doing it, eh.

But right now, it's all just a really jazzed-up version of 'His Eye Is On The Sparrow' - the one that Lauryn Hill did in Sister Act.

And it's really calming. Grooving, almost. And I'm just so chilled now!

Once again, the power of music!

Thank You, God, for that. For creating music.

And coffee.

Haha.

Totally random, I know.

Why should I feel discouraged
And why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for Heaven and home

When Jesus is my Portion
A constant Friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy
I sing because I'm free
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me

Thank You, Jesus, for Your peace. That surpasses all understanding. Truly and deeply.

I might even sleep with a smile on my face tonight.

:D

2008-09-24T02:29:00.000-07:00

We love you, Glinda, if we may be so frank

Thank Goodness!

For all this joy, we know who we've got to thank:
Thank Goodness!

They
Couldn't be goodlier
She
Couldn't be lovelier
We
Couldn't be luckier

I couldn't be happier

Thank Goodness

Today!
Thank Goodness for today!

Which really reflects what I feel now, and I'm not being sarcastic about it.

However, if you actually know the song... Hm.

So anyway, I have all my Prelim results back.

And they're spectacular! -ish. -ly bad, actually.

But it's okay, the SEED will grow into a tree, and I'll get my A's.

I know I will.

Do I?

Sometimes I think I have all this potential inside of me that's just waiting to be tapped into [which kinda reminds me of that scene from HSM where Gabriella goes, "Have you ever felt like there's this whole other person inside of you just waiting to come out?" in which the black girl does this "Not really" diva act thing, but that's digressing] and other days I feel like the stupidest person on Earth and I think I'd just die an inebriate or something.

I dunno. Maybe it's my upbringing - everyone always telling me, "You're so talented! So full of potential!" since I was young: my parents, my piano teacher, violin teacher, band teacher, dance teacher, family, friends, etc., etc. and you know what? Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm ordinary. Maybe I'm just as normal as anyone, with nothing special to me. Maybe all this "I'm just lazy" or "I'm procrastinating" or "I didn't study" is just an excuse to why I fail. Maybe I am really just not very bright.

And yet, I don't know. I really feel like I have something, but it's just not manifesting itself. I really don't know.

Maybe I'm afraid of failure. So I don't study. So I can just say, "It's because I didn't study" and leave it at that.

Gosh.

Maybe it's time to really get down and dirty with the books [and they ARE dirty. And dusty.] and papers and worksheets and stuff.

Goodness, I can't believe I'm saying this 6 weeks before the A Levels.

My second wind?

It was a breeze. [Literally]

Oh, I wish a wind would blow [it'd be my third, and hopefully strongest] and it would blow so strong that Mary Poppins would come and make everything alright with her spit-spot no-nonsense tone of voice.

I need a nanny.

However, not Fran. She's too... nasal?

Oh, Mary Poppins! Let the East Wind blow and may you come into my life with a bang, sliding up the banisters, spewing nonsensical fantastical non-existing vocabulary, and giving me sound advice, whipping me into shape!

When trying to express oneself, it's frankly quite absurd,
To leaf through lengthy lexicons to find the perfect word.
A little spontaniety keeps conversation keen,
You need to find a way to say, precisely what you mean

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious!
If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious,
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

My goal: To learn how to say it backwards with the ease that Julie Andrews has:

Of course you can say it backwards, which is Suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus, but that would be pushing it, don't you think?

Induitably!

AND

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun, and snap! the job's a game!

And every task you undertake
Becomes a piece of cake
A lark! A spree!
It's very clear to see!
That a...

Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!
The medicine go do-own
The medicine go down
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down
In the most delightful way!

Yeah!

Speaking of spoonful of sugars, Kristin Chenoweth didn't win an Emmy for Pushing Daisies! G told me the unbelievable news last night, cos she was all "Kristin Chenoweth didn't win an Emmy!" and I'm like "For Pushing Daisies??" "Yeah!" "Who did?" and she says some obscure name, and I'm "Who the heck is that?"

At least Tina Fey won an Emmy! Tina Fey, the genius comedienne. Which was really cool.

On the other hand, I think I should actually watch Kristin Chenoweth in Pushing Daisies before I make comments and throw out phrases that seem like I would die for her, being her biggest fan and all. Which I'm not.

***

As I was walking home, I was just thinking to myself.

Maybe it just is. And you can't change it. No matter how hard you try. Maybe it's meant. And if that's the case, then - I don't know. Where do you place God in all these? True, there isn't such things as fate - but this and all the other evidences...? I dunno.

That was twice, and I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, but...

You know, it probably isn't. So I should stop. And I will. Eventually. And let's hope it's coming to that.

Induitably.

2008-09-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

Speaking of alternative perceptions of "The Wizard Of Oz", here's one that MadTV came up with years before:

But that's what Dorothy really might have thought, eh.

Kinda makes you think, doesn't it.

On the other hand, I don't think a country-girl like Dorothy would know how to swear that horribly.

2008-09-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

Man. And I was so looking forward to watch it.

So it looks like I've got my second wind.

Which is good. Cos I was kinda just slumbering about this week, not really doing work but not really not doing work either, which was just stressful since everyone's really mugging now.

But I did today, so that's real fine.

Not to mention that we got one of our Lit papers back today, and though I wasn't exceptional, I still did quite well considering the average mean of our school's Lit results if one follows a Normal Distribution. Which. You know, you can since the cohort is large, and by Central Limit Theorem, you can assume all consumers rational.

Incoherent trash I'm writing here.

Cos I'm tired. Why, I don't know. Especially since I woke up so late today...

Okay, maybe I'll sign off now.

Mm.

2008-09-18T07:17:00.000-07:00

Wow!

This is amazing stuff. I haven't been on the com in three days!

Or was it two?

Ah, time is so convoluted now I can't tell.

Which is interesting, cos I was just thinking about it today and I realized that Prelims were just last week.

Oh gosh.

Really funny things happened in Econs tutorial the other day. I think it was two days ago.

So anyway, everyone's really tired and whatever in class and Mr Soh is just going on and on and on about Econs DRQ ["Always note the command words and the key words and highlight them" (ends up highlighting the whole sentence save sentence connectors and stuff)] and there's something about government intervention with regard to market failure due to market imperfection. So he says that America actually has a law to prevent this, and asks the class what it is. And intelligent me goes:

"The Fifth Ammendment?"

And Pris Sam sitting beside me squeals [I think] and goes, "I was going to say that too! Haha, been watching too much Legally Blonde."

And we end up laughing really, really quietly, trying to suppress our laughter so badly at the total incidence.

***

A joke I kinda saw in Em's notebook:

A: What's happening tommorrow?
B: There's only one 'M' in 'tomorrow'.

So I'm laughing about this, and Em says he always misspells 'tomorrow' and Sofia, who ALWAYS hears things out of context, goes, "Yeah! I also always misspell 'tomorrow'! I always spell it 'tomoro'!"

And everyone stops laughing at looks at her. And at this point, there is plenty of awkward silences to go around, and I'm like, That's not a legitimate mistake! Mina!

Which reminds me of the other time where she jumped in and said something stupid. Cos Alina was wondering how it would be like to be reincarnated, and I'm all, "Stardust! Stardust! You wanna be a star, right?" and she's like, "Yes, I do!" and we deviate away for awhile talking about unicorns [this is Alina here] and she sighs and goes, "I want to be a star..." and Sofia hears and goes, "Me too! I want to be a rock star!" and the table goes silent again.

***

I've been contemplating about swear words, and I think the word 'shit' is a really ugly swear word.

I mean, why would you think about bodily excrements in times of distress??

Imagine someone going, "Ms K's going to catch me for my hair/tie/whatever! Urine, urine!"

Talk about gross!

Or a person going, "Blood! Blood!"

Okay, ew.

Oh, that is being used. Hm.

Maybe there is thing to bodily excrements as swear words.

Which is weird. Not to mention sick. And wrong.

If all swear words were replaced with bodily excrements, maybe everyone would stop swearing.

Think about it. People will be talking like, "What the zit! That mucosal woman is breathing down my neck again!" or "Teary pieces of vomit!" or even "Phlegming bitch spat on my hand!" (which is what Ms K did to me).

But that'd be weird. Or maybe it's just culture perception.

***

I saw this really cool video on YouTube, which had the Kate Monster [Julie Atherton] and Trekkie Monster [Simon Lipkin] doing a rendition of 'Popular'. It was so cool!

Speaking of Avenue Q, Christy Carlson Romano is going to do Kate Monster in some new Broadway cast thing! That'd be so cool!

Although I can't imagine her doing the, "So why don't I have a boyfriend? F***!" part of 'It Sucks To Be Me'. I mean, she was on Disney Channel and on!

... Not like Disney has a very clean reputation, what with backstabbing girls and nude photo shoot scandals.

But still.

I must say, the downside to having a raving social life is the amout of money you spend. I've spent 10 dollars a day this week, and am going to spend more that that tomorrow.

Sheesh, gotta cut down.

And I should be off. Everyone's really losing their motivation to study now, ever since Prelims ended.

GOSH.

"I was walking along
Minding my business
When out of an orange-coloured sky
Flash!
Bam!
Alakazam!
Wonderful you came by!"

2008-09-15T06:27:00.000-07:00

Unlimited
The damage is
Unlimited
To everyone I've tried to help
Or tried to love
And, oh, Fiyero, you're the latest
Victim of my greatest achievement
In a long career of distress
Every time I could
I tried making good
And what I made was a mess...

And I can't believe what just happened to me.

Apart from a lousy 2-hour nap, I just went 36 hours without sleep for no reason.

It was so stupid.

I went to bed early last night thinking to get a good night's rest for school.

Slept at 2143 h, woke up around 2330 h.

What next? I get hungry, so I go out to Macs to get dinner [which was, by way of incidence, a nice walk because the air was so cooling and refreshing, and I was all by myself just enjoying the breeze] and I come home and finish it.

So I go back to bed around 0130 h - and toss and turn until 0530.

Stupid much, I know.

And meanwhile, soundtracks are going off in my head, preventing me from claiming the peace I so desperately wanted. I think the whole Wicked! soundtrack played in my forehead. The WHOLE soundtrack.

So insane.

And here I am, blogging away when I should be sleeping.

No actually I just don't want to sleep that early - my body might receive too much rest and make me insomniac again tomorrow night.

Lousy body clock. Tch.

Anyway, if the grades I receive today are not the lowest for my Prelim papers, then. Well.

Then I'll write out a verse of 'It Sucks To Be Me' for myself.

Gosh.

In the meantime:

Elphaba, where I'm from, we believe all sorts of things that aren't true. We call it "History".

A man's called a traitor - or liberator
A rich man's a thief - or philanthropist
Is one a crusader - or ruthless invader?
It's all in which label
Is able to persist
There are precious few at ease
With moral ambiguities
So we act as though they don't exist

Interesting point to note about History. I wonder why Wicked! keeps attacking History.

Cross-reference [oh, goodness] this to the "Dancing Through Life" number:

Stop studying strife
And learn to lead the unexamined life

Huh. I think that's a coincidence, though.

And I should be going, really.

"Wonderful!
They'll call you wonderful!

It does sound wonderful!

Trust me; it's fun!"

2008-09-14T05:43:00.000-07:00

This is... I dunno.

It's getting so coincidental, I don't know what to think anymore.

And I never believe in coincidence, so my mind is just whirling.

WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING???

I've never ever ever felt like that before, nor experienced this, for that matter.

And it's not like there's a comparison to ensure a certain duality - it just bloody happens.

And I'm just so confused.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Cos I don't believe in coincidences. I just don't.

And this consists of too many coincidences to even be considered coincidence.

2008-09-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling
My face is flushing

Mmhmm.

And that's exactly what I'm feeling right now.

Not because I 'loathe' someone. No, for another reason, entirely physical.

I just jogged! Yeah! Go me!

Now, whatever to you people who constantly exercise - I actually got my vegetating body out of its cabbage plot and out onto the streets running.

And I'm listening to this song, and I'm thinking, Yeah, you girls can sing that - you're standing in some recording studio most probably with air-con while I'm sweating my guts out here trying to prevent the evil folds of flesh from over taking my muscles.

Gosh.

But, yay! I'm really going to keep to this routine - probably going to jog everyday after school.

I felt so shocked yesterday night when I was just looking at my body - and I realized the extent to which I really let myself go since dance ended.

I felt so demoralized and whatever just looking at the mirror, I almost screamed.

Well, okay, I did scream at my sister, "I hate my body!" and I know I'm sounding really psychotic and superficial and vain so I shall stop.

But speaking of this, I'm only like that to myself, but I don't mind other people not being fit, because this is having double-standards applied to me.

For some reason.

And school starts tomorrow.

And believe it or not, I actually can't wait to get studying again.

I guess these 4 days of really allowing the fat I gain to go to my stomach and my brain really let me know how I dislike this state of mind.

WHOA, did that sound weird!?

That actually came out of my brain, eh.

Mm. Which is good, I guess.

Okay, enough of this superficiality. On to more important, deeper, more insightful, below the surface things...

"They were popular!
Please -It's all about po-pu-lar
It's not about aptitude
It's the way you're viewed
So it's very shrewd to be
Very very popu-lar
Like me!"

2008-09-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

So I've been slacking around home these past few days, lazing around and just mooching about, basically.

Not around home - I went out yesterday 'til about 12 plus and came home all tired and stuffs, but the basic idea is that I'm just really, really sluggish.

Which is good, I guess. Kinda like de-stressing for me. Until Sunday. To 'chillax'. Huh.

It's real relaxing not having to think about homework. Cos I'm just pushing all of that away until school reopens again. Then I'll blast the A Levels to kingdom come.

Hm.

Meanwhile, my brain is atrophy-ing at a rate faster than my metabolism rate is going - which means I'm getting all pudgy. ARGH. I have to start exercising soon.

Maybe when my brain starts again...

My brain's shuttin down again even though I woke up, like, 3 hours ago. Maybe I'll go take a nap or something. Too tired to go out today. Heh.

I imagine this is how life would be after the A's.

Or not.

At least I'm in a WHOLE lot better mood this few days.

Though I sound quite cynical here. Probably cos I'm tired.

Ah well.

"Cos I am so much better than before!"

2008-09-10T07:26:00.000-07:00

"She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it."

So Prelims are over!

Yay!

Joy.

Okay I'm just really tired now, and I'm wondering why. I bailed on the class-outing thing (cos I really didn't want to watch the 'Money No Enough' show - I mean, pay about ten dollars for that?? Dream on, movie theatre) so I reached home around 12 plus, and slept around 1. Woke up at 7.30. And I'm still tired.

GOSH.

BUT I'm going to be resting to the end of this week. Which is great. Hopefully.

I do need a break.

Take for example how I've been reading celeb-gossip for the past half-hour or so. [One of the posts on the blog which actually featured Rihanna doing Madonna's 'Vogue' at the "Fashion Rocks" thing which was really quite cool so I started watching all the other Madonna 'Vogue' shows and I have to say the concept's really cool, but I'm like 20 years behind or something, I think. Anyway.]

Where was I?

Too tired to think.

You know it's really cool blogging like that. Cos everything that's written here just comes up from the top of my head. Except when bad grammar comes out. Then I do a bit of arranging.

Hm.

Imagine, this is how I actually think.

Cool, eh.

And my mind just went blank so I think that's the end of this post.

Schadenfreude!

That's my new philosophy!

2008-09-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

"Schadenfreude!
People taking pleasure in your pain!"

And yes, that is a song.

From Avenue Q. The soundtrack of which I've been listening to for the past few days.

Well - not the whole soundtrack. Just a few songs here and there. And they are quite funny. And good to laugh about with friends :P

Anyway.

SCHADENFREUDE to those who do not end Prelims at 10.15 tomorrow! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

...

But, like I was telling G, everyone else gets to do it back cos WE Paper 5 Lit students end our A LEVEL PAPERS on the 21st of November.

GOSH.

Which means I have to go through 'always looking at the holistic understanding of the novel and relate to the bigger issues of the topic - i.e. identity - and regurgitate about marginalization-slash-alienation-slash-the-Other-slash-dull-or-colourless-slash-monotonous-routine-slash-self-actualization-slash-self-awareness-slash-sense.of.self.' for another 2 and a half months or so.

And people say my writing is convoluted.

SHEESH.

2008-09-08T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah. So much for my bright idea to sleep early and wake up in the morning to study.

I go to bed at 9. All good, eh?

Wake up at 10, toss and turn until 11.30, and I can't take it, and I come out and do rubbish. [Of course I study as well, but that's far and few between]

So what now? I'm watching The Nanny on Hallmark now while blogging.

It is quite funny, actually. Especially Niles the butler.

Right.

So I'm off to try to tire my eyes as much as possible. So I can sleep so I can be all BRIGHT AND FRESH FOR THE MATH PAPER! :D

Sure.

2008-09-08T05:26:00.000-07:00

History is really cool.

I just found that out when I was bugging my parents about my ancestors.

It's cool, cos I found out that most likely, I'm descended from scholars/officials [my dad's side] and from exiled-officials [mum's side]. Which means either way, I have royal blood. In a way.

And it's really cool cos apparently, my dad's dialect [of which I'm supposed to inherit, patriarchal system and all that] is actually a language that was invented by the officials in China to talk to the emperor, and to distinguish themselves from the commoners [elitist, much???] so I'm thinking maybe I really am descended from there. Since the lines drawn are SO parallel.

Yeah.

But I think that's where the magnetic attraction of History lies in. You can just trace back your roots, and you're just a part of so many people. I was trying to follow my mum's side of her family [I was at my maternal grandmother's house] and we were talking about surnames, and I was wondering why my maternal great-grandfather's surname was Loh, and my mother's surname is Wong, and she goes, 'I take my father's surname' and I just saw this immense picture of relatives and people all stretching out, then converging to form me.

It was really cool.

I think I'd go get my family tree done one day. It'd be so cool.

And I'm SO shagged out from work and stuff.

3-hour Lit paper today - no joke. I'm glad, with the length of my essays, though; about 3 and a half pages per essay. Which made me quite satisfied. The content is just. I don't know. Yeah.

So...

I'm going to sleep now, cos I'm that tired.

SCHADENFREUDE!

2008-09-05T09:25:00.001-07:00

First, something really, really superficial:

I'M GETTING FAT.

I swear [not technically, but figuratively].

My lines are disappearing into disgusting folds of flesh. *pukes*

I have to get some exercise instead of that on my mind ;)

Yeah.

So I've been listening to the Wicked! soundtrack non-stop. Okay, not really non-stop, because I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH KRISTIN CHENOWETH!!!

Oh man, she is like the most awesome ever! She is so cool! And I just spent 2 - 3 hours last night just watching videos of her. Imagine that.

But honestly, she is such a versatile singer/actress/dancer. And she's really hot too, but that's besides the point. We're not superficial, are we? Of course not. *smiles widely*

And I guess studying has been improving much. Glad for that, obviously.

2 and a half more months to the END of the A's!...

Can't wait...

But Kristin Chenoweth is really amazing. Go to YouTube and check her voice out. Oh yeah! :D

"It's good to see me isn't it? No need to respond, that was rhetorical."

And that's my new philosophy!

2008-09-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Waveafterwave,onslaughtafteronslaught.
Oneafteranother,theychargedon.Relentless.
Nospacetobreathe;notimeforrest.
Pushing,pushing,pushinginanattempttodrown...

This year has been so trying.

I've been struggling to keep my head above the water, but it's failing. My muscles are cramping up, my limbs are exhausted, my breath is going shallow, and my mind - well, my mind is commanding wave after wave to overcome me.

Reason-Emotion;Rationalism-Empiricism;Mind-Body;DivineIntervention-PlaceboEffect;Relativism-Realism: This is what philsophy does with your mind - it screws it up.

I have never doubted my faith so much as I have now. And I am just so confused. Ontological arguments of the very existence of my being can swamp me and floor me until I am just questioning, wondering, doubting everything around me, asking God if He even exists, telling, pleading for Him to just give me a sign of His existence, all my previous logics and convincings flying out of the window as none of them bring me solace, hoping fearfully with all my being that there is a God, that everything I've done, everything I'm doing will garner some kind of reward, that none of it will go to waste, that this intent, this life that would be without morals if not for Him, would actually come to pass, would actually come to pass as the Bible said other things came to pass, to just stand there and believe even though all the odds are against me, to cling on although there's nothing to cling on to, no reason to, but I just cling on anyway, fiercely, exhaustively, irrationally, doubtingly holding on.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of everything.

Of this drama my life is playing out right before my eyes.

I'm exhausted of this struggle, this stupid struggle.

Perhaps if I were in a more believing state, I would say that this is God's putting me through the fire. Purifying the gold, making it transparent so that everything becomes apparent to me. Seeing my intentions, my motivations, what makes me tick, what makes me go on in life. Questioning if what I'm doing is right, what I have been doing is right. To see, after everything has burned down, after all the superficialities of things, everything humans judge to be sin, to be incorrect, to see if what remains, the residue that is left over is something He'd be pleased with.

But God - this Creator - has never felt so far before. When I'm actually searching, when I need Him the most. I dunno, I've always hated this kind of attitude towards people, because it's like making use of them. And I have been treating God like that, which is why I don't actually blame Him.

What is real?

No one knows. No one can tell.

Why do I still cling on then?

...

Because I do. I know I can just let go if I want to - but somehow, I know I won't.

I'm tired of my life, though. And sometimes I pray to God, just before I sleep, that I'll wake up in Heaven.

(And then that bloody philosopher in my head goes, 'What if there is no Heaven?')

It's selfish to ask for that, I know. But sometimes I'm just so fagged out by the end of the day, I just want to black out and wake up when the problems are gone.

Never happen, I know, but one can always wish, I guess.

I am drained, fatigued, spent. And I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

What a stupid time to lose my self.

What a stupid world, as Calvin once said.

"LORD, I BELIEVE... HELP MY UNBELIEF!..."

If You really are there...

2008-08-31T23:22:00.001-07:00

I never really realized the power of music.

My soul soars with the brasses, the winds, the ensemble!

Peace, now.

Okay, I'm just procrastinating really badly now.

GOSH.

Chip!

Come back!

Ah. There you are. Hopefully?

Shoo, akrasia, shoo!

Gosh, where'd my willpower go...

This was a BAD time to start on a new musical soundtrack.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

GET OFF THE COM, MAT.

Look, I'm getting all schizo again.

SHEESH.

2008-08-31T22:12:00.001-07:00

Somehow.

But whatever kept him there was gone.

He teased the air around him, uncertain of it. There was a familiar sensation, something in the essence of a deja vu, and he wasn't quite sure of it. Still, there was a certain excitement he gathered from the depths of his soul. He knew not what it was, but it kept pushing him, whispering to him, telling him to go.

He did.

And the air around him hugged him tight, embracing his being, even as he gloried in the absent warmth it brought.

The earth fell away beneath him.

I'd like to think of myself as someone rational, but I still get bogged down by emotions. I'd like to think of myself as having a good balance between rationality and idealism - and maybe I do. But I think people should be able to tell the difference between the ideal and the real. There is a difference, and if one cannot distinguish, when the ideal doesn't materialize, you end up with disappointments.

But that's my ideal.

***

It dawned on me that this blog is going to go soon.

Cos I started this blog to chart my journey in St. Andrew's - and indeed, the journey has been [insert non-cliched words here].

But I'll be leaving this College soon, and though "Once a Saint, Always a Saint", I would really no longer be in the school itself.

So I will get a new blog.

But I won't tell anyone what it is - as was with the case with this blog, but people still found it anyway.

And find it only if you want to, and can be bothered to - there won't be any identification it is me, but if you know me well enough you'd know it was me.

A new blog means new experiences. Maybe even a new kind of writing.

But first I've got to get through College first.

And the A's - if you know what I mean.

***

On a more random note, I finished listening to the Wicked! soundtrack last night! Yay!

But I dunno, somehow I loved Spamalot more at when I finished listening to it?

But maybe it's because I've only heard it once through. I think I'll listen to it over and over until I get so sick of it.

On the other hand, I do have to study. So... I'll see. If I get bored of the songs in a few weeks time.

Or if it'll still remain a fresh novelty in my mind.

[I absolutely hate it when I write with double-meanings, cos it's so complex, even for myself.]

Dancing through life
Skimming the surface
Gliding where turf is smooth

Life's more painless
For the brainless
Why think too hard?
When it's so soothing

Dancing through life
No need to tough it
When you can sluff it off as I do

Nothing matters
But knowing nothing matters
It's just life
So keep dancing through

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool

Life is fraught-less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish

Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife

Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life

Hm. Maybe this will be the new theme song of my life.

But I have to say 'One Short Day' is on par with Spamalot's 'Knights Of The Round Table / The Song That Goes Like This (Reprise)'. Grandiose, majestic sounds are what I love. OH yeah!

I would like to say I've had enough of musicals because I can't study with music on.

Hm.

But I can't say that.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't take Lit.

Wait.

No, I don't.

Figure me out.

2008-08-31T04:24:00.001-07:00

Walking up the escalators to the Lee Kong Chian Reference library step by step gave me a familiar twinge.
Even as I missed you really badly.
It reminded me of so many things, and I realized the power of memory, and of my inclination towards sense perception.

The song 'Defying Gravity' has really been keeping me alive these days.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
If you leave, don't leave now / Please don't take my heart away / Promise me just one more night / Then we'll go our separate ways
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap
With hours left, time on our sides / Now it's fading fast / Every second, every moment / We've got to make it last
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost
I touch you once, I touch you twice / I won't let go at any price / I need you now like I needed you then / You always said that we'd be friends some day
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I wonder, sometimes, if you need a license to love.

2008-08-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

But if you leave, don't look back
I'll be running the other way

This is a promise I'm making. To myself, to eveyone else involved.

And I know I can keep it. I know I'm strong.

And I know what not to do this time round.

I would've shut God out had this been a few months back... But I know better now. I know better than to try to be emotionless. Emotions make us humans, and I'm not going to deny it.

Yes, it might be safe if one were to just shut everything out and be emotionless - but I wouldn't. I know I wouldn't now, personally.

I'm hurt - and that reminds me I'm alive.

No more of that stupid pride either - keeping up a facade is all easy and safe, but there wouldn't be any point.

And at least I know I can cry now.

2008-08-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love
I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free...

2008-08-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

No. Definitely not.

If my polygon becomes 9-sided, I will scream.

Then I'll just shut myself off.

It was really interesting this morning. When I was just standing minding my own business... With this really, really cool song in my head. 'What Is This Feeling', from Wicked.

And BAM! The song applied!

Let me put down the lyrics so it'll be clearer:

What is this feeling, so sudden,and new?

I felt the moment I laid eyes on you

My pulse is rushing
My head is reeling
My face is flushing

What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame
Does it have a name?
Yes...

Loathing!
Unadulterated loathing!
For your face,
Your voice,
Your clothing!
Let's just say
I loathe it all!

Every little trait how ever small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter

Loathing!
There's a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It's so pure, so strong!

Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!

I think it's really cool how 'loathing' sounds like 'loving' and the lyrics could be a love song - if there wasn't the word 'loathing'. I think lyrics are just so genius and cool!

Okay... Maybe I'm a little harsh here, referring to someone here... But.

I'm just wondering at the irony of it all.

How things can change so much in just a short period of time.

From that to this. It's... sad in some way, but it grosses me to a really large extent.

Cos seriously. Double-standards are just so - hypocritical, and I really, really dislike double-standards.

But it's funny how songs change just like that.

Hm.

Anyway. I suggest that anyone who wants to de-stress/take a break from studying to go to YouTube and listen to this song. Cos when I first started listening to it, I burst out laughing at the cool absurdity. Genius, really. Not to mention how the voices of Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth blend so well.

But yeah.

I have my KI Paper 2 in a few hours... So.

Today was fun, though ;P

"Oh my - God. Oh my - God. Oh my - AAAHHHHHHH! (falls of chair)"

AND

Principal: Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that we have a new student joining us. She just moved here all the way from Africa.

Teacher (faces black girl): Welcome

Black girl: I'm from Michigan.

Okay that wasn't as funny on script. I guess you have to see it to know. [It's Mean Girls, by the way. The first part.]

OKAY, so I really need to sleep.

2008-08-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

This. Is. Bloody. Annoying.

I wanted to start off this post with something really cynical.

But one song.

One freaking song and I feel like crying?

See, I don't cry over songs? So when I actually hear one that does make me feel like that, I get so annoyed over this loss of control.

But I'm still listening to it anyway.

Dammit.

I hate this.

2008-08-24T04:07:00.000-07:00

I think it's 'highly irritating' that I've got my drive back to study.

And my body just can't cooperate with that.

Tearing eyes... Drippy nose... Body that is so close to exhaustion... And the best part? I felt all of these when I just woke up.

Sucks so bad.

Which reminds me of this song I just heard the night before:

Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly?
Ha!

I coming to this country
For opportunities
Tried to work in Chinese
deli but I am Japanese
But with hard work
I earn two Master's Degrees
In social work
And now I a therapist
But I have no clients
And I have an
Unemployed fiance
And we have lots
Of bills to pay
It suck to be me
It suck to be me
I say it
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Suck!
It suck to be me!

This was actually the part where I laughed - this Ms-Swan-esque woman comes out and starts singing. Her accent was funny and all, and the lyrics - haha.

By the way, this song's from Avenue Q, titled It Sucks To Be Me.

And yes, Avenue Q's a Broadway musical.

So typical of me, I know.

But I digress.

Interesting to note that that could go both ways.

Cos here I am. Sitting, typing at the computer, blogging about a day when my Prelims start tomorrow.

And I'm digressing from studying.

So I shall digress from this digression back to the digression from the digression of life.

Go figure that out, losers [and by that I mean non-Arts Fac people].

Oh, I am just an ammalgamation of joy, happiness and warmth.

2008-08-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Okay.

So, I've been real pleased with myself:D

I've got my drive on!!! Although Chip didn't help much today or yesterday. SHEESH.

Still... It feels good knowing that I'm actually working for this.

Oh yeah.

What a day this has been
What a rare mood I'm in
Why it's almost like being in love

Yes there's a smile on my face
For the whole human race
Why it's almost like being in love

Oh the music of life sings to me
Like a bell that is ringing for me

And from the way that I feel
When that bell starts to peal
I would swear I was falling
I could swear I was falling
It's almost like being in love

Although, I still wish I'd be able to be what I want to be without having to have that lousy thing placed on while I am.

Sheesh.

Ah.

At least I'm going to study!!!...

Now I've got to worry that study gets in the place of God.

IRONIC, MUCH???

2008-08-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling... off lately.

Is it angst?

I don't know...

I can't even really pin-point what the problem is.

This lethargy sucks, at any rate. I feel so paralyzed, like I can't even do anything, even though I want to. This refers to work, of course.

"FYI, Mat? 79 more days to the A's. Including today. So get that lazy ass off Facebook and go do your work."

If only I behaved according to the voice of reason...

This is a lousy time to go through puberty...

Or to be schizo.

2008-08-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

SK said that the birthday that's coming up for me is my Golden Birthday.

That is, I'm going to turn 18 on the 18th.

And so I've been thinking about my birthday, actually, and how I'd like to celebrate it. Before he came up with this today, actually, but it seems an apt time to put it down now, since he mentioned it.

And I imagine my 18th birthday to be like this:

I'd tell my parents that I'm going out on my birthday - the day before or something. Then I'd wake up at 6 a.m. when everyone's still asleep, dress in some comfortable clothes, leave my phone at home and go out.

I'm not sure what I'd do exactly... But I know I'd walk. Maybe around the whole of Singapore. Exploring, maybe. Eating when I'm hungry. Drinking when I'm thirsty. Resting when I'm tired of walking. Perhaps find certain secluded spots to just sit by myself. Study, maybe, since Lit Paper 5 would be in a few days' time.

And I'd just think. Contemplate. Pray. Worship. Just spend the whole day with myself. And with God. No distractions, nothing.

Then I'd come home at 12 midnight, and when my parents ask me where I'd been, I'd answer vaguely, not explaining anything. And when my family wishes me happy birthday, I'd say my birthday has passed.

Then I'd go and shower, go to my room, check my phone, scroll through all the messages, put my phone down, and go to sleep.

***

It dawned on me, just a little while back, how soon I'll be gaining my independence. I calculate that I'd have 4 - 11 months [if I get enlisted in July - which I don't think I'll be. Or rather, I'm really hoping not] to NS.

Once I'm in NS, I think my parents would more or less leave me alone unless I do something outrageously rebellious - but it's not like I'd see them a lot, anyway.

Then two years and I'm done with NS, and I'd be 20. And if I get my way, I'd be flying off overseas to do my university. God willing, of course.

That's why my J2 life would be the last real time for me to be under my parents... After this, I think they'll let me go.

I wonder if I'd be able to survive.

2008-08-13T07:12:00.000-07:00

Counting down to the A's!...

And I'm top of my work! Well, except Economics... And I still have to do some reading up for Lit... And practice for Math... And research for IS...

BUT I FEEL IN CONTROL, STILL.

Oh, Lord. It's been a long, long time. But I'm glad I'm returning to You.

I see so many things now...

It's different, now.

Self-actualization: good?

Maybe, and maybe not. Debatable.

But.

I wish...

That my life...

Had a "Greek cho-ruuuuus!!!!!"

That'd make it more exciting!

Not like my life needs any hyping-up... That's for sure. But it'd be so cool if people suddenly burst into song randomly over the thematic issues of life.

Like today in Econs lecture, Rachel [Ho, since there're so many] and I suddenly conversed on something about musicals. [Oh yeah, I remember now; it was because I wanted to look at the clock, which is located behind in the CC, so I turned around with dramatic flair, with chin held high, eyebrows raised in expectations, eyes wide in hope - then disappointment as I realized there was 17 minutes left to the lecture, which manifested itself with a slump back to the front in a "Aww..." manner. So in effect there was this moment of two freeze-frames in quick succession, randomly dramatic. I felt so weird after, and Rachel happened to catch me doing that kinda-embarrassing thing.]

So we started talking about drama [I was talking over Sofia's shoulder as she was sitting behind me diagonally, a very inconvenient position to talk in. I don't suggest holding conversations like that. Especially for the person in front.] and we were just wondering how it'd be like if the whole lecture populace suddenly burst into song-and-dance [she spectacularly came up with a scenario which highly resembled the "I Wanna Be A Producer" number in The Producers - and all by herself!].

Yeah.

I wonder what would happen if that were to happen in Lit class or something...

I imagine it'd go something like:

Student (tentatively speaking):
Um, may I ask a question?

[Dramatic pause]

Teacher (spoken):
Question? Question?
You want to ask a question?
You want to ask this teacher here a very simple question?

Student (spoken):
Well, it isn't that -

Teacher (interruptedly singing):
Thank gooood-neeeeeess!!!!!!! (holds note)

I've worked here for so long
And I've never done a wrong
I've taught my students everything I know

BUT!

The only reason why I'm never wrong
Is because they never understood my song

But now I've got a question
I can now answer it!
Yeah I've gotten my first question
Stupidity - back seat!

This is His-to-ry in the making, yes sir
Although I'm teaching Literature!

[Students stare at Teacher weirdly as she flies into full song-and-dance mode, jumping on tables and ripping up textbooks, and carouses all over the room with wild abandon.]

OMG.

I wonder what it'd be like if Ms K did that in class.

HAHAHAHAHA!

I think I'd die.

No, actually, I'd film it down first, then I'd die, because I'd have put it on YouTube or something and she'd have killed me.

Right.

See, this blog is so interesting. It's got prose, poetry, and now drama.

I should call this blog "A Literature of Literature" or something.

ANYWAY.

Back to my work!

Or rather, start on it...

"Keep it positive!
As you slap her to the floor!
Keep it positive!
As you pull her hair and call her whore!
You can take in her in a fight!
You and he will re-unite!
You know we're right
We're positive!"

To clarify, this is a song. It's just to keep me positive, since it's so happy:D

Anyway, 'her' can be referred to as the A's [when did exams receive accolades of female pronouns?!] and 'he' can be. Um. My EXCELLENT grades! Although I've never had excellent grades before, so I can't really re-unite, since we were never united... How about my sanity, which I assume will return after the A's?

Oh yeah!!!

Yeah, I'm positive! ;)

2008-08-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

What's 12 X 7?

84.

AND THAT'S THE NUMBER OF DAYS TO THE A'S.

I should post a count-down here or something...

At least I've found the chip on my shoulder!

Few chips, anyway.

AND I'M REALLY DETERMINED TO DO WELL NOW!

And I'm really glad that even though I did procrastinate today, I finished all I wanted to.

Yeah.:)

EXCEPT MY IS.

CRAP. CRAP. CRAP.

ARGH!

I always forget the important things!

Well... All of my homework was important... So I guess... But this is important as well...

Okay.

I should stop Virginia Woolf-ing, as Mrs Goh likes to say I do.

Or I'll drown myself in a river due to depression.

...

Maybe I should...

Then it'll be all over...

BULL.

HAHA.

I wonder how many of you fell for that.

Ah well.

I should stop this and finish my IS Outline... IMAGINE, I'M STILL ON MY OUTLINE AT THIS STAGE!!!

It's okay.

I can do this.

Just take it easy.

I know I can.

You can, Mat. You can.

Like the little engine!

"I know I can, I know I can, I know I can..."

If the little engine lived today, he'd probably be thrown into an asylum.

2008-08-09T02:21:00.000-07:00

I NEED TO FIND THE CHIP ON MY SHOULDER!

C'mon, c'mon...

I CAN do this!

I WILL do this!

I have to get through this.

SCREW PROCRASTINATION.

"But with the chance you've been given
Why are you not driven as hell?!
There's just no way around it
You gotta plow through til you've FOUND IT!"

2008-08-06T05:13:00.000-07:00

He'd only heard rumours about her - but encountering her for the first time, he could see the extent to which her presence was felt. She compelled with some sort of enchantment that he was not quite sure of; he was being inexplicably drawn to her, but he did not understand it. He thought he could handle the magnitude of power that emanated from her, and he wanted to test it, to tease it, to see how far it would bend to his will.

***

"Take a look at this," she said. "Explore it."

He looked at the view she'd presented. He was astounded by the magnificence of the scenery that embraced his sensations with such wild, joyous abandon. He took it all in, absorbed, taking in as much of it as he possibly could. To let it saturate, assail, assault his senses until he was entirely immersed. It was glorious.

He turned to her quickly, a grin on his face, when he noticed her face. It was one of displeasure, as though something musty had descended upon her delicate tongue. She was utterly repulsed. He was bewildered.

***

The first time he'd encountered her, he'd quickly retracted everything he'd ever felt. She'd demanded, she'd asserted, and she utterly relished the control she knew she had. He didn't like it. He wondered...

But soon, he began to see certain aspects of her that had gone unnoticed. The nuances of her behaviour, her language - it stemmed from something more. And even as he figured it out with each encounter, she merely glanced at him once in awhile.

He'd begun to speak, but she'd silence him. After a length of time, he grew tired of it, and stopped his attempts altogether. That silence disgusted her as well, and he rocked to-and-fro, wondering about this enigmatic woman.

***

"Well," he began. "It's beautiful."

"Beautiful?" she spat, throwing a disgusted look at him. "This... this thing. Beautiful. What utter rubbish."

"Well," he started again, tentatively. "Th-"

"Look at that." She extended a sharp, red claw and pointed out a flaw. 'Surely, that hadn't been there before!' his mind whirled. 'It was perfect! Nothing was supposed to have marred it!'

"There."

"There."

"And there."

Slowly but surely, she was turning Paradise into Sheol; Heaven into Hell. What was going on?

***

The crowd opened for her wherever she walked, but she didn't even notice it then. She didn't notice anyone. She was behaving exactly the opposite of what she preached, and everyone except her noticed it. Disgusted with her hypocrisy, they turned away.

He noticed many changes in her. The most apparent was the loss of her magnetic attraction. She didn't draw anymore; she repelled. She repelled so much, that he was shocked at this change. Then he noticed a change in her behaviour, in her stance, in her mannerisms. He wasn't quite sure where it was going, but it was definitely going somewhere.

***

He looked at her, aghast. Why was she turning it into something mean, something horrible, something ugly?

It seemed like she sensed his despair, as she looked from her high pedestal down at him.

"Because it is."

'But it wasn't! It couldn't be! It wasn't the way he saw it, it couldn't!' his mind was in a turmoil. He didn't want it. Not at all.

Her features softened even as they looked at him, even as he realized the final result of her changing. She looked at him, almost as if in sympathy.

"You have to accept it. That's the way it is. And you can't change it."

He looked back. He wanted to say something defiant, to rebuke her, to slam her, to lambast her - but staring straight into her eyes, he merely nodded his head.

She smiled, her job done. Education of the unwise, of the unknowledgeable, of the foolish. Then she walked away from him.

He felt her leaving, but he still fought. He still fought for Paradise. He knew it was out there; he just had to find it. He turned and faced the despondent picture she had painted. He knew it was an illusion. He just had to get rid of it. He had to!

He strained his eyes to just catch a glimpse of beauty, and - wait! Something shimmered in the destruction before him. Hope? A silver lining? He was not sure. He focussed and - yes! He was seeing it!

"What are you doing?"

She was back, a sneer to her face.

"What do you think you are doing?"

He ignored her, and instead lashed all of his concentration on that single speck of beauty he'd found in this place of ugliness.

"I am speaking to you! Do you want to go back to being illusioned? Do you want to return to your filth?"

***

There.

The beauty. The Paradise. It was back.

He turned back to look at her. In Paradise, all he could see was a ghostly shimmer of her self. Then he realized that that's all she'd ever been.

She was the one to be pitied.

She was sneering at him.

"I told you this place was ugly."

He looked at his Paradise, confused. What was she talking about?

"It's ugly! Just look at it! Here! And there! And there!"

Wherever she pointed, all he could experience was beauty. A small burst of fireworks; the melody of an orchestra; the touch of pure velvet.

She was looking at him with an expectant face. "Well?"

"Well," he smiled. "It's beautiful."

2008-08-03T08:29:00.001-07:00

The sound of one hand clapping...

Is baloney to my ears.

:)

2008-08-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, like now, I wonder why I bother.

Just let it be, right?

Hm.

Apparently it doesn't work both sides, if I'm reading the signs correctly.

I'd still get affected. I know I would. Why my emotions wouldn't leave me be, I don't know. And honestly? I'd rather do without them. With regard to this, at least.

Do I want to clarify? I would. But I don't feel like talking to anyone as of now. At this point in time. Especially.

Why do I bother? Why should I bother? In the big scheme of things, as compared to eternity, the amount of time is literally nothing. Be it half a month or half a decade, it wouldn't really matter. Eh?

Because seriously. This whole thing is stupid. Pride is stopping, I guess. I don't know. I could, but I don't know if I should. Scratch open the wound? The blood will flow, and who knows whether it would recover again. Ever.

***

I went to church yesterday, after claiming MCs and parental excuses for the past 3 weeks. It was good. It felt really good to be back with God. After being absent for so long.

And I sorted out a lot of things as well.

My mind was a lot clearer.

But... now? I dunno.

God, God, God. Only He can help now.

Much as I hate to say it?

"You are faithful; Your joy is my strength."

2008-08-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

Bookman.

Without emotions, without feelings.

Just an astute, critical mind, observing everything, feeling nothing.

Is that the solution? Is that the way to go?

Hm.

I know you're probably feeling so much more than disappointment.

But I meant what I said.

If things were different...

But one thing you did, you helped me solve some problems in my life. How, I don't know, but you managed to. And I'll always be grateful to you for that.

***

My mind's all good and proper now.

I know where my priorities lie.

I think God was really trying to teach me something from there.

And I think I more or less got it.

Where this leaves me?

Stranded.

But I know to walk in faith, whatever it is.

And that God will guide me.

Yup.

2008-07-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know.

I really don't.

It's a chance I'm willing to take, though.

Not sure if you are...

And even as I'm sitting here waiting for your reply, I feel... tentative. Almost afraid.

But I want to know. I really do.

I think you must be feeling like that as well.

And maybe it's selfish of me, but I really want to know.

I don't want to be selfish, though, so if you don't want to, then please don't force yourself to.

I know it must be so much harder for you than it is for me. Since you have to say it out.

And... honestly? If it's too much for you to take, and if you're suffering agonies over it, and if your studies are going to be affected, then I'd rather you not.

Really.

***

Much of my life is really, really like a TV show of sorts. Or even a movie. I think only Kel knows the full extent of it.

All the romances I've had - they are all so... unreal.

Perhaps God allows me to have them because He knows I'd like that sort of thing.

Unreal, fantastical romance.

Storybook romance.

Fairytale ending?

That's one thing I'm unsure of as of now.

***

And I know we're both treading real thin.

But like I said, it's up to you. Honest. It's in your hands now.

Blue rose.

2008-07-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

And so ends Rapture. And, with it, Dance.

For now. In JC.

But I do wish to dance again. That's for sure.

I belong on the stage. I know I do.

Everytime I go on the stage, I always know I want to be there for the rest of my life. Doing whatever it is.

But apart from Rapture, which was great, according to everyone I've spoken to, I've learnt a lot about God as well.

And how lonely He would feel sometimes.

If He created the world, and only a small, small percentage of people would worship wholeheartedly -that is, not worshipping then sinning wilfully the next second -, then He must really, really be heart-broken.

And doing Agape [the name of the dance I choreographed] taught me that. That God will keep finding for us even when we don't want Him, even when we are angry with Him for whatever reasons, even when we just don't care. He doesn't deserve that, but yet we still treat Him as such.

And I know for one I've really fallen far from Him.

And I want to get back with Him.

Climbing back up.

Thank You, Lord, Hallelujah
You've been so good to me
Thank You, Lord, Hallelujah
I'm grateful for my blessings

I'm grateful for my struggles
Trials and tribulations I've been through
I've realized no one can love like You do

Back to school, back to life.

Back to studies.

Back to love? You decide, little smile. I'm flirting with fire, but I don't care.

2008-07-29T09:01:00.000-07:00

7 AND A HALF MORE HOURS TO RAPTURE!!!!!!

SO. CAN'T. WAIT.

But yet I don't want it to end.

Gosh.

Ah, but once this is over... NOTHING will stop me from going full-steam here on.

Except... ARGH.

I think my puberty's a bit late in coming. Everyone's hot all of a sudden, and everyone's appealing. I still have my pickiness, though - but more people just look better. Both guys and girls. I don't think there's anything wrong with finding people good-looking, cos it's just aesthetic appreciation. It's not like I lust or anything. I'm still innocent. Kinda. Heh.

But apart from all these distractions [and that one thing, oh little smile;)], I will darn well go full steam for A's. I will work like I've never worked before.

Oh yeah.

But for now.

RAPTURE!!!

And I really, really hope I get to see you there and know it's you? It would really make my night, if you must know. ;)

2008-07-28T09:46:00.001-07:00

TOMORROW'S RAPTURE!!! WHAT AM I DOING ONLINE???

Okay, so it's Rapture tomorrow technically.

Cos it's 12.46 a.m. So it's technically Tuesday.

Heh.

So full-dress at the Esplanade's in a few hours.

Exciting!

I'm glad all that rubbish got cleared up.

Not completely all... But at least it's fine now.

Rapture's in 2 days... Really fast, actually. Really, really fast.

I can't wait!

Gosh.

So cool!

Ah.

This whole ordeal - of being in Dance and all since last year - has really changed me in so many ways. I think? Yeah, definitely. This year the more, of course, but still. I do love dance - to dance, whatever, but my parents wouldn't allow? Heh.

Still, we'll see. We'll always see.

So I'm really, really tired now, and I don't know why I'm still being on?

I think there's something I want to blog about but I'm not remembering cos I'm so tired.

So I'm just being really random until it hits me.

But apparently it's not.

So should I go off now?

Hm.

I realized something about myself today. I think girls are my one weakness in my otherwise hardened self. Cos I can't exactly be harsh to girls. I can't remain angry at girls, I can't feel any strong emotions toward girls for long. Girls always cause me to be the one to make the first move, and all that.

Maybe it's my notion of old-fashioned chivalry or whatever, but I think girls can really affect me. Guys can't, obviously - guys can be treated in any way [Tch.] but girls - always have to be careful around them. Be gentlemanly... Etc.

[Please don't kill me, because this is not a chauvinistic post or anything. It's just that I do seem to have a soft spot for girls? More vulnerable? Hm. Maybe.]

But one of the reasons I can't stand girls is their constant changes of mood. Which leaves me hanging. It might be okay at the start - but do it for two whole years, and I'll get tired. Hint. Hint. Hint. Yeah.

"The elf-fairy awoke once again and sprinkled her magic with such ease, he was overwhelmed by the enormity of it all."

2008-07-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

So this is unfair?

Okay.

So let's exclude the selection session in which I sat there quietly without fighting while you grabbed the best without a care. Let's ignore the many days of holidays that chanced on my days that caused them to be annulled, in which I didn't make up for. Let's completely disregard that day where he was doing YOURS, at the expense of mine.

Yup, let's just screw all that, because apparently, "it isn't fair that he spent so much time on yours".

Now let me ask you a question.

What did I do?

What precise action did I take that caused this situation to happen to you?

Uh. Nothing, I gather.

Yeah.

And those lousy attitudes you ALL were shooting at me for the longest time ever without any cause or reason?

Yup.

Like I said, I am really, really getting sick and tired of people who just bitch, gossip and do rubbish and seriously not bother to clarify or anything like that, but just go on and do stuff that they want to do. Which they do not bloody realize would cause them to have implications on other people.

Just - whatever, alright? I have way too much on my mind to deal with stupidity like that.

He stood there in the middle of the road, wondering, as the vehicles flew past him in a burst of air that ate up more of the atmosphere. People shoved past him to attain their destination, without a care in the world. He was alone.

Not that he minded - it was kind of peaceful, in fact. But suddenly, the faces of the people turned ugly. Everywhere he looked, he could see nothing but grotesque, twisted parodies of beauty. And it sickened him to his core. He wanted beauty. Pure beauty. The highest form of beauty that could be attained. That one Absolute Beauty.

"Come with me," came the delighted whisper. Looking up at the hazy sky, he could see no one. Was it a hallucination? It couldn't be - for that voice had tugged at the very depths of his soul. Who was she?

He closed his eyes and blocked out the chaos of his surroundings, and step by step, stumble by stumble, he followed the pleadings of his soul. He moved, not knowing where he was going, and unsure of what he was doing, but it was better than that mere existence he'd been having anyway.

So he moved. Slowly at first, with baby-steps, then with stronger steps and longer strides, and before he knew it, he'd cleared his run and was leaping with joyous abandon. He felt a strong, pure light hit his face - and opened his eyes instinctively. A glorious sight greeted him, as his eyes gleaned the beauty of what lay before him. He wanted to get to it!

And so he ran faster than before, the voice tugging, pulling, pleading, while his soul responded with jubilant tremours. He cleared hills, mountains, the sun shining in his face all the while, and the wind resistance drenching him with such pleasure. Even the occasional rains did nought but lift his spirits.

And he ran on thus, on to that place, on to the light, the voice tugging, toward his goal.

Absolute Beauty.

2008-07-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

There isn't anything wrong with liking Broadway/musicals, jazz, or even classical music.

It's just that it's so rare finding people who actually like these things.

Listening to "The Lady Is A Tramp" now by Frank Sinatra, I can discern a difference between jazz now and jazz then.

Jazz then has this "olden" quality to it... That hits me whenever I hear a song like that, or hear the rumbling notes of the double-bass play its familiar jazzy chords... Whenever the brassy sounds of the trumpets and trombones blast out those notes... The quick, swift piano with the chords perfectly in sync with the double-bass - or not, even. The whole works. It throws me back into this era which I've never experienced before, but wished I'd experienced before... It's so... I don't know, it's really - je ne sais quoi!

I don't know if I'm making sense here to anyone, but I think true music gets you like that. That feeling is as though you want to pull back to that kind of era... Men wearing hats, and suits, along the roads... Like a black-and-white movie. Sometimes, I really, really wish I were born in that era. With the greatest of those jazz singers. Maybe even singing with them. That'd be awesome, actually.

People [i.e. my sister] have accused me of 'acting sophisticated' - but I don't. Not really. Jazz from the past can really transport you back in time, and it's just so - almost nostalgic, actually. The songs get me somehow! Why, I don't know! I wish I could place a finger on what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling like that, but I just can't! I don't know why I enjoy it so much, almost long for those days!

Is it Old Hollywood?

Maybe, but I just - argh! I hate it when I can't come up with anything after analyzing myself.

Classical music gets me that way too, but jazz really gets me like no other genre... Okay, Brodaway does somewhat too, but... Gosh, I don't know.

Just an interesting viewpoint from yours truly.

2008-07-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

My feet are looking really gross now.

Blisters here... Open wounds there... Red, angry scars with black dirt everywhere. They're sick.

Heh.

But I am really enjoying dance now.

I can't wait for Rapture, yet I don't want Rapture to come since I don't think we're very prepared, and besides once Rapture comes it'll be over, so I'm having mixed feelings over this whole deal.

Yeah.

But... I do have to get back to studying, honestly. I do want my grades, afterall. My good grades.

Gosh, I still have dance at 8 tomorrow... It'll be fun, though. Not so stressful. HA.

Ah, shucks.

OH ANONYMOUS TAGGER, WHO ARE YOU?

Okay...

This is... random high-nesss. [Sounds like royalty.] Kinda reminds me of when I first started this blog. It was so random and happy and fun. Look at you now, Mat. Look at you now (shakes head, tsk-ing).

Okay, I really have nothing else to blog about - it's either that, or all that I wanted to blog about I can't bring to the surface of my mind currently cos I'm in such a fagged mood.

FYI, 'fagged' does not mean that I'm gay - it just means that I'm really tired. It was used in Austen's era, so it's a legitimate word entitling the user to claim tiredness and not homosexuality!

Ah.

This is really rubbish now.

Haha.

I really should go and sleep.

So... bye?

"If you've got nothing to say, just say that. Then you WILL have something to say."

I am so witty, I kill myself sometimes.

2008-07-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

INSANITY!

Dance is really getting insane.

But know what? I'm totally having fun!

Yeah, and the last item we're doing? AWESOME. You all just HAVE to be there to watch it!!!

Joyful, joyful Lord, we adore Thee
God of glory, Lord of love

It's so amazing, and how things have been working out - I really, really, REALLY have to thank God for it all!

Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the Son above

Last night, as I was staring at my screen as all the messages I'd accumulated since I got my phone disappeared into nothingness [which prompted me to wonder about memory and experiences, and how if an experience isn't remembered whether it would matter if it ever happened], I felt... liberated. And free? And free:)]

Melt the clouds of sin, sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away (Drives it a-way!)

And I know that somehow, I'm going to make it through this year. I'm going to perform my BEST ever for Rapture, and [much as I hate to use Singapore colloquialism] own the A Levels. And I know I'd be able to do it with God's help. With Him behind me, with His Spirit guiding me.

Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us, fill us with the light of day!

Awesome? Totally.

If I could work as hard at school as I'm doing for Dance? The A Levels would be nothing. I, however, still have to get off my procrastinating ass and get my work done. GOSH.

Tomorrow's full dress, and it's going to be so awesome! Shopping with Fie and Nehahaha was fun as well, but we SO have to do it again cos that time was really just too short! And I really hated having to miss the movie:( Next time, I hope!

I thought Council term was over... Haha, but Aruna, at least it's fun, eh? ;)

And yep. I've got tons of stuff to do... So cyao! [That's my combination of ciao and cya. So creative, I know:)]

"Emoticons are so overrated."

Ironic much? :P

2008-07-24T09:04:00.001-07:00

Before I went to sleep last night, I was reading something and chanced upon some words that gave me so many mixed feelings, I didn't know what to say. So I laughed, then I got pissed off, then it was all "You know what? Whatever."

Dance today was exhausting. As usual. I dunno, but I think I'm being too childish or something. Behaving as I did. Gosh. There was no call for that, really.

Something just happened which gave me pause. I'm wondering how long it has been already. It quite shocked me, yet - I don't know.

Perhaps it's the hardness, or perhaps it's the selfishness, or maybe - just maybe - it was the prayer. But there it was. Or rather, an absence of it. And I was honestly surprised.

Maybe I am ready.

But I don't know.

***

I've been thinking, lately. How I would have been if I'd been born rich. Like, really rich. Like, if my parents were in the upper-crust of society or something like that.

I think I'd be even more unbearable than I already am.

But I came to the conclusion that God would not put us in any position that we would no longer need Him.

Yeah.

I think I'm getting really, really tired now.

Dance practice ended late again... Gosh.

AND I have Dance tomorrow again, AND Saturday and - oh, and guess this! - SUNDAY. IMAGINE, HAVING A SUNDAY PRACTICE. I don't even think Band was that bad.

Ah well.

Rapture's in a week.

So...

PUSH ON, MAT!

Stay positive. Think positive ;)

(Then again, if I really am like that, why do I still behave in a manner as such?)

"Real, excellent wittiness does NOT repeat itself."

2008-07-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

So Hendon was... tiring. Kinda, I guess?

Okay, so it wasn't. It was just the accumulation of dance practice as well, having steps shoved in my face all of a sudden.

And I guessed right, but I wasn't surprised, so yeah.

Anyway.

I'm feeling so drained now.

Like, awfully tired.

There are things that make it better though! :D:D:D:D:D HAHA.

Yeah.

So um.

Incoherence is a definite sign I should stop?

So...

Yeah.

"Alright, alright. I'll take life with a pinch of salt... and fling it in the face of anyone who pisses me off."

2008-07-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

And so he thought...

As he emerged from the wings, his solo calling, he faced his Audience and danced. He danced whatever he wished, and whatever the Audience pleased. Sometimes these two aspects were in conflict, but other times they were in perfect harmony, and so he continued dancing, always aligning himself toward his Audience.

A break in the song. A different song playing, he had to improvise as he went, unsure of what to do, but having still to keep in time, to keep in rhythm with the music. It was a genre he had never heard before, but still he danced, sometimes with much confidence, but other times with much fear. Whatever it was, the music went on, the show went on, and he went on. He was not as concentrated on his Audience as much now, though - the sudden improvisation had caused him to focus more on his movements than on his Audience, but still he tried to keep everything together: the music, the timing, the feel, his emotions, and to look at his Audience.

A pas de deux! That he did not know was in the programme! "Play by ear," he told himself as he continued his supposed solo, doing his best to move with the new music. He was slowly adjusting to it, when suddenly, half of the pas de deux came up and interrupted his dance. No, wait - the other dancer was moving with him! Surprised, he attempted to continue his own dance, but realized that the other dancer was matching him, move for move, step for step, turn for turn. They came together and apart, in perfect harmony and in perfect sync, each somehow knowing what the other would do. However - something was different. He wasn't sure what; all he knew was that he was caught up in the magic of the music, moving, pushing, turning, his arms and legs co-ordinating in bursts of heavenly bliss.

But wait - the difference was somehow nagging at him. He looked down at his clothes - and realized that it was different from the one he had worn at the start. He could not recall a costume change - had there been one? He did not know. All he knew was that he was starting to tire. What was happening? He had never felt so exhausted before. Still, he continued; but the pas de deux was starting to become rough, as the other half of the original pair returned to claim the lost dancer. The pas de deux moved in and out, over and under, back and forth, until he found himself dancing his solo again. The music had gently wafted back to his original tune - but he found he could not dance as perfectly as before. The improvisations had broken his lines; he could not really remember his steps, and he improvised further to match the old music.

His Audience, he realized, was still sitting there - he'd forgotten! And so he tried to dance toward his Audience, with his new steps, trying desperately to evoke some pleasure in his Audience, but the stage lights had dimmed and he could barely see his Audience face to know if what he was doing was correct. But still, he had to dance and so he did, for his solo still wasn't over.

Then suddenly - another solo dancer? He was not sure, and so he attempted to match the other soloist's dance, but what he did not know was that that solo was the part of yet another pas de deux - and thankfully, he could quickly recall the dance steps he had abandoned. There was still a feeling he could not shake off, though - and then he remembered. His Audience! He looked out but could only see his Audience going dimmer and dimmer. Unsure of himself now, he contemplated. In all their rehearsals, he always had partners. Different ones, but with the same set of moves. Now, however, he questioned if the rehearsals he attended had been the right ones. No one had mentioned any change of music - or change of clothes for that matter - and he'd forgotten his Audience so many times now. He didn't know what to do, but still he danced. And danced. And danced...

... to his shadow.

***

So I'm going to Hendon tomorrow - wonder how that'd be like. Wonder who'd remember. But yeah. It's been a long day, so au revoir, dear readers.

2008-07-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

As I was walking home today, reflecting on my life, I came to a realization.

It wasn't that I lacked any of it... No, that was actually sufficient, I guess. It was just the feeling of knowing - the security - of being one out of so many. That feeling was the one I wanted.

As I always have, since I was really young.

Prodigy.

And now, at this age, since I'm apparently not that, then I want something else - and I guess in some ways I feel that that can only be satisfied by attaining that.

Of course, now that I've fully analyzed that [as of now], I don't feel a desperate need to rush into it, to affirm myself or anything.

I know I'd be able to take it slowly...

***

On the other hand, I HAVE DANCE AT 7.30 TOMORROW. And I end at 3.30. So that's, like, 4 hours to kill. I know what I shall do, though ;)

Mm.

I'm really tired now, so I guess I'll be off.

"I'd rather deal with hard emotions than with soft emotions. It's easier, ironically."

2008-07-20T05:21:00.000-07:00

I'm getting tired.

Not annoyed, irritated, or anything like that... Just tired.

Of people throwing out assumptions about me like that.

People don't bother to check? They just take what they assume, what they read, what they think is the truth, and it settles in just like that. And honestly, I'm really, really tired of that.

I mean, it's not surprising - from this angle - if I develop a love-me-or-hate-me attitude, right? If you're going to get affected by every single thing that someone thinks of you, you'll die before you even hit your prime.

I'm guilty of that as well, of course, but at least I check myself and try not to do that. People who do it without even being aware of it... I dunno.

I'm not angry. Just... I really don't know. I guess I'm just so immune to that kind of rubbish from experiencing it so much, I've just learnt to let it just pass me by. Cos seriously, it's just not worth it to expend time and energy on that.

If people don't even bother to confirm what's happening, but make up stories that exist only in their heads, and get angry or annoyed or irritated with me or whatever as a result, then that's their problem. I have no right to what people think, so I just won't do anything about it.

Capiche?

Thanks.

"You thought I was dumb / But I think that some-/ body's judgement was poor..."

2008-07-19T05:24:00.000-07:00

So I just reached home.

From... When I left my house on Friday for school.

BELIEVE IT.

I've only slept a grand total of 3 hours.

Surprisingly, though, I don't feel tired.

And it's not even caffeine!

It's God. I know it is.

And I praise Him and I thank Him for that.

Well, I'm clearly in a better mood!

I talked with God... Long time since that happened. And sorted out lots of rubbish that was going on in my life.

Furthermore, Friday was just fantastic. But no, I'm not particularly going to say why here. Just know it was... shall we say enchanting? THEN again it could all be in my mind... I'm not sure. BUT. Possibilities, possibilities!

No time for relationships, though. But at least I'd smile ;P

Walking along the beach with the wind blowing in your hair listening to jazz music is just so great.

My throat is really, really gone now. I sound HORRIBLE. Actually, I sound sexy. It's that husky. It's like my broken voice is breaking even more. Heh.

Oh, and I've been listening lots to this song, and it's really awesome. My favourite part [apart from the tune, which are just so... je ne sais quois?] are the lyrics that go, "I'm loving my name up on that list / Kind of a cool ironic twist". It's just so cool! And I WOULD know. :P

"She collapsed to the floor, her lungs desperately reaching out again and again for more air, the elf-fairy fighting for her love, having just won her dance of victory."

2008-07-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

Lit(t)er-a-cher

Just accept it
Just accept it
Just fucking shut up and accept it
We know better than you
Your "opinions" just don't matter
Our knowledge is the TRUTH
So just shut your mindless chatter

***

Klaudine

I kannot take this anymore
Your lessons are all such a bore
The students sleep
Your talk is cheap
I want to smash you on the floor

"Oh-k!" you kry
Spit in your eye!
You kommand no respect
Not surprising, please reflect

Ironic, ain't it? How you stifle
Kreativity - And still you waffle
Twenty long years - I scorn at that dirt
Such a long time, incompetency undetected
Whatever, heck
You're white, not black
So stop trying to be what you're not
It fucking annoys so stop that rot
I hope you're glad you've finally something that resembles that blot

***

Just accept it
Just accept it
Just bloody fucking accept it
You're stupid and you're dumb
We know much more than you
So zip that big fat mouth of yours
We'll talk and you accrue

***

Lady Katherine

It's quite ironic
When you teach
You just don't follow
Whatever you preach

You yell and shout
Think that'll get you somewhere?
You misunderstand
Now no one would care

You love condemning
It's clear in your tone
Especially condescending
I thought you would have grown

So many books you've read
So many you've analyzed
But what's the point of all of that
If you don't actualize?

Realize, I beg
The way you're treating people
Or you'll be the old hag
Spinstering every wrinkle

***

You know what?
I won't
I will not just accept it
If you both think you're so all that
Then let me ask you why
I don't care if it's been twenty years
Or ten-and-thirty-five
You shout with glee at 58
When others have gotten more
You smirk and condescend because
You've beaten your own score
Open up your eyes! That's just not all
It cannot be our fault
The quality of all your teachings
Must be the the only vault

- End -

Of course, when I come home, dear Dad and Mum, I want to be treated with the greatest sarcasm. When I come home tired, annoyed, and about to blow my brains out, I really enjoy hearing the both of you express your love through your ironic words. Don't worry, whether Hendon accepts me or not, I should be out of your sight in less than a year. Hope you'll enjoy life then. Without me.

2008-07-16T05:49:00.001-07:00

Division

One of three chosen
Half of the good
One third of heaven
Must feed on some food

Perhaps it's not
Perhaps I'm short-
Out out of my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze...

Third of the start
Glaringly silent
One half of the part
- But still not forgotten

Perhaps it's not
Perhaps I'm short-
Out out of my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze...

One out of twelve
A third of the whole
Which fraction can delve
And fill up the hole?

Perhaps it's not
Perhaps I'm short-
Out out of my mind
Maybe I'm blind
Analyze,
Analyze,
Analyze...

Klaud, if you piss me off tomorrow, your poem is coming on here. Thanks.

2008-07-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

I've seen you around school... But somehow you jumped out today.

What is wrong with me? I have no idea what I'm doing now. I seem to have no more control over my life. All the control I used to have seems to just have dissisipated.

I'm not sure why. But you suddenly seemed different.

Oh, mean-spirited me! Could I be any more of a hypocrite??? I hate this, I detest it, I want out so bad. This is fucking annoying!

I wondered if I seemed any different to you. I couldn't tell...

I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Everything old seems to be going, and though I find some solace in the new, I know it's not what I want.

Maybe? But that look...

I'm getting off. Real bad. It seems I've lost my track, lost my focus, lost my way. And I don't know how to get it back. If I'll ever get it back.

Or perhaps I'm reading too much?

I gained some sense somewhat today. But that was academic. Temporal. I'm longing for some bloody sense to get kicked into me. Something spiritual. More permanent.

Or maybe I'm not.

I really hate this state of limbo I'm in. Neither here nor there. Oh God... Someone... Help me...

I'd prefer to think I'm not...

I need something... Someone... You?

But who knows, anyway.

Lord, I am so fucked up right now... So bloodied all over. And I am at odds of what to do. And I feel I can't do anything by myself... So help me, Father... Before I lose all strength to get up again...

I'll see when I see you again, though ;)

2008-07-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

"And so," he read, "after encountering the conundrum that was his enigmatic significant other, he ended up in a curiouser state than before." He paused and looked up to take a breath, and saw his teacher staring at him.

"Curiouser?" she demanded. "Pray, tell, which ignorant person did you hear that from? Or was it some ingenuity - or so you thought - on your part that prompted you to insult my intelligence?"

He stifled a giggle, but could not keep his voice from sounding out of the ordinary. "Lewis Carroll? Alice in Wonderland?"

Her stunned expression he would remember years after, even as she opened her mouth and closed it again and again in an attempt to recover her disgraced self in the eyes of her students. "Well," she warbled out, finally. "You cannot believe everything in those books, because that is for the sake of humour, and is not proper English."

That remark smacked him in the face as he retaliated, "Then what is proper English? How do you know what proper English is?"

"Do you want to be demoted back the first grade?" she exclaimed. "Elementary question, indeed! You gain a perfect use of English by - " and here she trailed off as she realized the trap she had placed herself in.

"By what?" came the insistent reply.

"Reading widely." The answer was so quiet that if one had breathed, one would have missed it. The atmosphere, however, was so intensely subdued as the whole class held their breaths in anticipation of the answer that would contradict and place her in a highly unflattering position.

He smiled slightly, but not too much, knowing that if he got cocky, he would end up like her. And that was a place he had no intention of being in.

"Furthermore," he continued relentlessly, "from where do you derive the workings and mechanics of the English Language? Are they not from books that tell you where the nouns, verbs and such go to? Why then do we not question them? Are you saying then that the majority is the truth? But that would be a fallacy in itself, wouldn't it?"

She looked clearly stupefied, and stayed silent for quite a lengthy period of time, as he shuffled his feet and looked down, unassumingly awaiting her answer. After what seemed like eons - and perhaps it was - her voice, devoid of strength, rang out, "Infinite regress is a highly undesirable - "

"So now you're arguing from an appeal to consequence?"

It was as though a wave rippled through the whole class, as they sat, stunned. The teacher trembled, and then suddenly, she saw the way out of the predicament. She raised a quavering hand at him, and said the words that would save her - for it was clear the bell would not.

"You," she whispered. "Principal's office. Now."

And he exited in truimph.

2008-07-12T06:30:00.000-07:00

Y'know, it would mean ever so much if everyone could just shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

Gracias.

2008-07-11T07:25:00.001-07:00

And as I walked home, I couldn't take it.

I had to let it out one way or another.

And so my eyes slowly dregged up the tears from the reservoir of my spirit which I had sought and determined to be dry, while my soul sighed over and over again in agony.

I was closing up again and I didn't even know.

I thought I had opened up again, after that revelation, but I found out I'd unwittingly closed up again.

I found myself changing over the course of school reopening 'til now, and most everyone could see it. My language became a lot more colourful, even though I stopped doing that years ago. I clammed up emotionally - not physically, for I still spoke to people and could interact and stuff, but I think I shut out all negative emotions possible.

And I found out that if you shut out negative emotions only, you become downright cynical. And that I was. I didn't care about anything, or anyone, I just didn't give a damn about anything that I didn't like.

Furthermore, today wasn't exactly the best day. And after dance, I really couldn't stand it. I found there and then that denying myself love from people was denying myself love from God - because God loves through people. And that's when the hugs I got from Zong Wei, Kai, Chin Meng (who gave me one of the best hugs of my life), Khiu and Amanda suddenly opened me up to God. And I felt God like I haven't felt Him in the longest time.

And as I walked home, the words of a relatively old song came to my head:

Standing tall in this wide space
Getting lost in Your embrace
I see a fire burning brighter
It's calling me to catch the flame

I feel like I'm falling
Over and over in love with You
It's not just a feeling
For I know that it is real

I feel like I'm falling
Into the arms of the mighty God
It's not just a feeling
For I know that He is real

And I know I'll be alright.

2008-07-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

So here I am, blogging at 4.27 a.m. in the morning.

Cos I decided I was too tired last night, and I slept at 9 p.m., and so woke up early to finish some stuff I have to do today.

Anyway. Yesterday was our Stepping-Down Ceremony. Which ended my Council term.

I don't know if it was of the hardness of my heart or whatever, but I didn't cry. And I wasn't even trying to hold back.

I really don't know, but perhaps I was trying to distance myself emotionally already - I tried checking myself as I was walking home, but I couldn't come up with an answer. It's the first time I've digged into myself and come up with nothing.

Perhaps I'm really losing it.

I mean, I really had fun during Council, and there were a lot of emotions involved, throughout my term. Doing the Dance and the Awards for Teacher's Day [who can forget the Doomacali! (?) explosion?]; being Tribal Head of Siersha [with our tongue-twisting Arts Fac cheer: Siersha see you so vacuous/ Looking like you so pretentious/ Cos we've got a so-delicious/ So-victorious shine/ Siersha think you asinine/ We disregard your pi so fine/ Your 3.14159/ Break it down! Shabooya! Sha-sha-shabooya, roll call!] with all the mad rapping and screaming sessions with the other Tribal Heads [Jue Ying (Achomawi), ZhiYang (Iroquois), Jerico (Nahane) and Vivian (Tienno)], and even the discussing of the themes of our Identity with the rest of the Siersha Tribe; Planning Friendship Week with all the mad-cap ideas coming in ["let's sell the balloons as much as possible so we can pay for the movie screening which costs about $1200!]; Even thinking of sadistic ideas to torture the J1s in our Selection Camp meetings [not to mention touching Vivian's shoulder as Mr Chua told us his mathematically-inclined ghost story to make her scream], thinking about Screamscape and things like that.

I mean, there are so many more memories in my head; do I miss them?

Perhaps I resent Council a bit for giving something and taking it away so quickly, that I shut myself off from it. And as of now, I think that's as far as I can go in examining my intentions and past motives. I would come face-to-face with it in the future - and maybe that's when I'll feel the regret.

But above all, I know I did my best for Council, and I am glad to be part of the 30th Student Council in SAJC.

Our Father by whose servants
Our school was built of old
Whose hand has crowned Thy children
With blessings manifold
For Thy unfailing mercies
Far strewn along our way
With all who passed before us
We praise Thy name today

They reaped not where they laboured
We reap what they have sown
Our harvest may be garnered
By ages yet unknown
The days of old have dowered us
With gifts beyond all praise
Our Father make us faithful
To serve the coming days

Before us and beside us
Still holden by Thy hand
A cloud of unseen witness
Our elder comrades stand
One family unbroken
We join with one acclaim
One heart, one voice uplifting
To glorify Thy Name

2008-07-08T08:02:00.001-07:00

I want out of this.

Honestly.

I am so sick of it. Sick of it all. I just don't want it anymore.

I think the worst thing about having a mind that's so aware is that after awhile, it kinda escapes you that you're living in the real world, and when you try to communicate with your mind and do things like that, it falls apart really quickly.

And I really want out. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. It's really not necessary, unless God is really using this to mould me. But I've really, really had enough. Of myself.

I don't see myself anymore. I just see something resembling a person - but is more or less not. I don't even know what to do, where to start - and just no one. I feel like I have no one.

Of course, I could go all angsty and go, "Well, I've been like that for so long, I oughta have been used to it." But I won't. Because I know it's not God wants. And what I want is so differing from what God wants for me.

Change my heart, oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, oh God
May I be like You

You are the Potter
I am the clay
Mould me and make me
This is what I pray

***

REJOICE!
IN THE LORD ALWAYS
AND AGAIN I SAY
AGAIN I SAY
REJOICE!
IN THE LORD ALWAYS
AND AGAIN I SAY
AGAIN I SAY
REJOICE!

COME BLESS THE LORD
COME BLESS THE LORD
DRAW NEAR TO WORSHIP CHRIST THE LORD
AND BLESS HIS NAME
HIS HOLY NAME
DECLARING HE IS GOOD

***

FOR THE LORD IS GOOD
AND HIS MERCIES ENDURE FOREVER!

SING, O BARREN!

SHOUT TO THE LORD WITH YOUR SOUL!

EXALT HIS NAME HIGH OVER EVERYTHING!

PRAISE HIS GLORIOUS NAME!

DECLARE HIS AWESOME POWER AND HIS MAGNIFICENCE!

BEHOLD HIS MAJESTY AND COME WORSHIP HIM!

***

Oh God...

Help.

It looks like you really hate me now. And I don't blame you. I'll always be here if you need me, though. God bless you.

2008-07-07T06:33:00.001-07:00

Mmhmm, mmhmm.

I get it.

Totally get it.

You made me gain it, and guess what? Irony of ironies! You're making me lose it!

I just love that, don't you? Yeah...

Perfect timing, furthermore. Really. You really picked the best time ever to edify my mind with the most glorious words in the world. I couldn't thank you more.

Drip, drip, drip....

Not to mention the superb analysis of me, through messaging and through phone calls, and through this blog. It clearly shows you really, really understand what I'm all about and what I'm going through.

And I know I'm just really being what I said I wouldn't be, but guess what? I'm so different from what I used to be, that I don't care now! Really! I don't fucking care.

Drip-drip, drip-drip, drip-drip...

Oh yeah, I cannot forget the wonderful speech you endowed on me, cos it really made my bad day a real good one, especially when it was just starting to get worse, although how that could have happened really escapes me.

Ooh, ooh, not forgetting that special thing you said about me that made me feel all tingly inside and really caused me to be so very happy, and that really filled me with such love.

Mm. And I've never bent over as much as I have in my life over a person. A fucking person. Who's not even God. No one is indispensable.

Drip-drip-drip, drip-drip-drip, drip-drip-drip...

Yeah... I think the picture's getting clearer for everyone now. Such a joy for that! Awesomeness! With this great start to this week, I am so damn sure that this week will be excellent!

Yup. Oh, before I forget. I won't ever do what you told me to, yeah? Ever. And if you want to judge my perfect manners and behaviour based on this post, please. Join the club.

Uh-huh. And I'm just totally reaching where I want to be now.

And my mood now? Clearly, it's not too tough to see? I'm fucking rapturous!

Thank you, and please, have a good day. Or night. Or whatever.

One request before I go. Please. Hate me.

"Why don't you like me without making me try? Why don't you like me, Why don't you like me, why don't you walk out the door?"

2008-07-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

Suckers smiling silently
Super-secret servantly
Snapping snobs so sadly sipping soup

Searing cisterns carefully
Sisters crying selfishly
Could some sense cook up all gum and goop?

Graceful, bumbling sympathy
Silent, shrill-drenched empathy
Controversy fuels; gossip fires

Gripping ambiguity
Dripping so perspectively
My heart rejoices; happily retires

Poems should be for fun. Fun to read, because the rhythm is catchy. To hear the sounds and pronounce it out. I think that's the joy of poetry.

Unlike those whatevers they make us do in class.

That poem was nonsense. Or not. You decide.

2008-07-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered about soulmates.

If they exist or not.

Perhaps I've always wished they did... And wanted it such that I believed it.

I still do, though that part of me is starting to die down. Although I don't think it will ever die off completely, since a specific part that makes me me is the part that believes in "Happily Ever After".

I'm a Disney kid - the first Disney cartoon was shown on my birthday.
As a matter of fact, I'm a Calvin and Hobbes kid - the first comic strip was published on my birthday.

Explains a lot, I think.

But anyway. I asked my sister today if she believes in soul-mates, and she said not. I think my dad said the same thing. But I dunno. That kinda ruins a lot of things for me. Like how romance isn't special anymore. Because romance would be able to be for everyone, and not just that one person who was meant for you. And that really spoils the whole idea of love.

Or maybe I have the wrong ideas of love as propogated by Disney. Still, I would like a fairytale-ending to my life. Of course, the ending doesn't end with the marriage, but that kind of magic is so enchanting.

Or maybe I'm just idealistic.

On a lighter note, I've mastered the Art of Transfiguration! Not that I meant to, but it seems I have done it anyhow. So that's a big plus.

"Maturity is gained when self-actualization is realized."

How's THAT for H2 Lit Paper 5?

2008-06-30T20:28:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of at peace with myself now.

With myself, with God... Wow, God. I don't think He's been mentioned here in quite some time.

It was as though God was really speaking to me yesterday. This part especially, from the book, "Reaching for the Invisible God", by Philip Yancey, just jumped out at me:

"I fought to gain control of my emotions so that they became my servants, not my master... ... The problems showed up years later when I began to realize the limits to a self-constructed personality. In most ways important to God, I had failed miserably. I was selfish, joyless, loveless, and lacked compassion. With the notable exception of self-control, I lacked all nine of the fruits of the Spirit listed in Galatians 5."

When I read that, I just broke down. It seemed that everything that I've ever been through culminated at this stage where, when it was tested, just flunked so badly, and I was back to square 1. Of finding God again. Even of trusting Him again.

Before that, I was quite in a state of self-imposed delirium. I went through the day being happy because I consciously blocked out everything that was not. But it was a cynical happiness, a cold, detached kind of joy which is either the poorest form of joy, or the direct converse to it.

I think I understand Mika's songs a lot more now. Some of them sound so happy, with everyone singing and the tune so upbeat - but take a look at the lyrics and the irony shows itself. I was in that kind of mood yesterday. Especially Grace Kelly. Now I know why it was such a big hit when it first came out. People identified.

[I wanna talk to you
The last time we talked, Mr Smith, you reduced me to tears
I promise you that won't happen again]

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I gotta be wholesome
I could be loathsome
Guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I tried to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I tried a little Freddie
I've gone identity-mad! (Take THAT, H2 Lit Paper 5)

I could be brown
I could be blue
I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful
I could be purple
I could be anything you like
Gotta be green
Gotta be mean
Gotta be everything more
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you walk out the door!

[Getting angry doesn't solve anything.]

How can I help ya
How can I help it
How can I help what you think?
Hello my baby
Hello my baby
Putting my life on my brink

Why don't you like me
Why don't you like me
Why don't you like yourself?
Should I bend over?
Should I look older just to be put on your shelf?

Say what you want to satisfy yourself
Hey!
But you only want what everybody else says you should want you want

[Humphrey, we're leaving.]

Kaching!

So. Cynical. And even as I see those lyrics, I can feel that same sense of sardonism creeping back over me.

But I won't allow it to.

Somehow I'm stronger, and somehow I think I've grown to some extent. I can feel the strength of God around me, and I know I can do this.

Stepping down, Rapture, Prelims, A's.

Just bring it.

"And rain will make the flowers grow."

2008-06-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

I am... lost.

I don't know myself anymore.

I'm so different from what I used to be... The change is scary.

My awareness is all there... But I feel so lackadaisical. To bother changing anything about it.

I feel like ripping the emotions of my mind and going through the rest of life like that.

I'm that tired.

Of life, of everything.

Ups-and-downs.

Oh, it'd be SO easy to just slam my defences shut and close up. No one would bother me, I wouldn't bother anyone. I'd live my life, and be done with it.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. I know I have the ability to change it.

But... I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

Perhaps I never knew.

2008-06-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

It looks like I have to take the solo road once more. All by myself. I've taken it before, and it's largely becoming a part of my life. Not that I mind. In fact, the singularity of my person alone does provide some kind of comfort and solace. And I'm getting used to it. Liking it, in fact. Perhaps I really will live a life alone, but not lonely.

So it's about two more days to BT 2s. Or rather, one more day, excluding this night. How fast time seems to pass. A month. Of which so much has happened.

It seems like my focus is really all off again, and I have to really fix it back. This holiday has been good in giving me a break. But now, it's back to school, back to life, back to the exams.

5 more months, then I won't look back, if I study hard. Just 5 more months. I can and I will do it.

Reflection brings about revelations about life. Perhaps no human will ever be constant in life, just so God can show He's the only constant. But then, people get married. Which is why I'm thinking that maybe marriage isn't for me.

This separation would be good... It's already awoken me to the wilderness I'm in. The depth of dryness and the need for rain. Spiritual rain. I need this. But I'll miss you... Even now.

A very wise woman once said this, "Oh Lord, I don't love You, I don't even want to love You, but I want to want to love You!"

That's something I once said while doing my Quiet Time. Cos really, I think that loving God is really a hard thing to achieve, to do. Of course, in church, we always sing of how God's love is the greatest and about sacrificing what we have for Him... But when it comes down to tribulations and trials, and the point of which we have to prove to ourselves whether we really do love Him, we find that we merely pay lip-service. And furthermore, as though that were not enough, I don't desire to love God. But I know that I want to desire to love Him. And if I have that desire, and that desire is strong enough, then I'd do anything withing my power to love Him.

But now, there's just been so much focus on what I want, and nothing about God. I've forgotten to live everyday of my life for Him. Even in studying, I cannot remember that I'm studying to His glory, for His glory.

And I've found out that retreating too much into yourself brings this. A mindset that totally circulates on what I want and what I need, and placing that first and above anything, even what God wants for me. And that's self-centredness, my life being first and foremost before anything else.

Perhaps after the dust has settled, and everything has become clear once more, we'll find out that all our lives was a quest to seek God - whether we knew it or not.

2008-06-16T04:42:00.001-07:00

Swing low
Sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home

Cos I'm Home-sick.

2008-06-15T17:55:00.000-07:00

For once, I couldn't find solace in sleep.

I did, however, find solace in God.

It's over, then?

I'll just have to be philosophical about it.

"Oh, I am FAGGED."

Literature rules the airwaves of my mind now...

No me ames... ...

2008-06-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

Don't love me... ...

No me dejes
No me dejes
No me escuches, si te digo "No me ames"

No me dejes
No desarmes
Mi corazón con ese "No me ames"

No me ames,
Te lo ruego,
Mi amargura, dèjame

Sabes bien,
Que no puedo,
Que es inútil,
Que siempre te amaré

Don't leave me
Don't leave me
Dont listen to me if I say to you "Don't love me"

Don't leave me
Do not disable
My heart with that "Don't love me"

Don't love me
I'm begging you
Leave me with my bitterness

You know well
That I can't
That its useless
I will always love you

So now there's one road to travel. The road I have to.

One destination that's so important right now. All other things have to wait. Be put on hold.

I could go into a rant about the education system and how it really affects people's lives, but right now, I just won't.

Leaving everything else behind to wait, wait for the 21st of November 2008 when my final Lit Paper 5 will be over and done with, and I'll not have to study.

So I'll have to leave it 'til then.

I have to.

For the greater good.

Just push all the way now. 6 more months and all this will be over. 6 more months will pass like a snap. 6 more months and you'll leave everything behind you... JC life, Dance, Council, even the people... Everything. Push it. You know you can. You know you have the strength, you know you have the will, you know you have the ability. You can and you will.

But still...

"Te falto..."

2008-06-12T10:49:00.000-07:00

I long...

For that someone to hug and hold close to my heart in a tight, lasting embrace that would have no end.

For that someone who would know my thoughts without me having to give a single hint about my emotions.

For that someone whom I can tell everything to and never have to hold back for fear of being judged, in any way possible.

For that someone whom I would cherish with everything I have, never restraining, but constantly giving and giving without fail.

For that someone who would not count the costs, but would give as much as is possible, as I would, such that the love flowing in between would be so wide, gushing with a force that is stronger than what Nature would ever come up with, spilling over our very frames and engulfing us in a burst of flame and passion, that would come from the very sincerity of our spirits and souls, unpretentious and wild.

For that someone who would help bring about the sanctity of a relationship so pure and holy which would expound to the world and beyond about the true meaning of love, the love that resembles our Father's, and not the cheap, dirt-side imitations of selfishness made to look beautiful by the hypocrisy of the mind and the heart that deceives both giver and taker.

To have someone in heart and mind, secure in the physical and metaphysical realms, without a trace of a doubt.

"Connections without words are the best kind to have."

2008-06-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry.

I guess I am really in no position to feel like that.

After what I told you... It wouldn't be fair.

Not to you, anyway. And behaving like that is just plain immature.

And I really don't want to hold you back.

So yeah. It's all in your hands? And I won't expect anything anymore. Shouldn't have started, and I'm sorry.

So I won't.

2008-06-10T23:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wish I had no emotions.

That would mean a LOT less trouble, wouldn't it?

I feel so conflicted now. Two things pulling me in two different directions. And my heart tells me one way but my mind tells me the other. And my body does not know which to follow. Or rather, wants to follow my heart but holds back because of my mind.

Oh, I am fagged emotionally because of life.

***

I find that I'm becoming more and more selfish. I find that I follow God now only when it's in line with what I want to do. When what I want to do clashes with what would please God, I pick what I want to do. It's a constant struggle, the battefield in my mind, and I don't even stop to consider the casualties that might result in it. I just 'do it first and regret later'. And as it goes along, there might be changes to my character that are not for the better.

***

I've learnt to not expect anything from anyone. To not take anything for granted. At all. I don't ever want to be in a relationship with someone where I take things for granted from the person and start expecting, because to me, if you don't expect, you just don't get disappointed. A lifetime [so far] of experiences has taught me that. Don't expect, and you don't get disappointed. If things do turn out well, then you'd get a bigger treat cos you didn't expect anything anyway.

I know this is a very cynical view of life now. But I guess it's just a defense-mechanism. To protect myself from emotions that threaten to sway me about and thrust me into another vortex of confusion, hurt, and self-pity. And I made a decision long ago to not let anyone have that kind of power over me.

I see I'm hardening up. Intellectually, emotionally. In so many ways. The accumulation of experiences for the past 17 [and a half] years of my life have led me to this. Perhaps I don't have to think like that. Perhaps there is another way around this. But as of now, this is the wall I've built around me, my mind, my heart.

Now, I don't dare to feel for people more than they feel for me. Cos I find that the different expectations of people in a relationship can lead to very horrible conflicts and hurt which is really not necessary. And with the A Levels coming up, emotions should not come into play at all. Studies first. Thank our current education system for nurturing us to think like that.

I need a break from emotions.

And, most probably, a longer one from school.

"I don't learn. I study."

2008-06-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

AND YOU JUST LEFT LIKE THAT...!

Tch!

I was reading your blog, and then you're just suddenly offline. It's not my fault, it's your fault for writing such a long post.

[Of course, I'm totally kidding here.]

This past week has been real insane. Emotions flying around like mad, my mind in complete turmoil and confusion, and reality and fantasy blending into one phantasmagorical kaleidoscope of images, sensations, onomatopoeia...

And you DO seem like a dream sometimes. And I'd wonder if you're real or not.

Sometimes, I just wonder: what if the dreams that we dream each night are the real lives we're living, and everything that we're doing now is but a dream in that life that is real over there in what we perceive to be our dreams? Most of the things we dream about we don't even remember - but what if all this is just a dream? And all that we think are dreams is actually reality in its purest form?

No way to find out as of now, that's for certain. Just an interesting thought I had.

And now I have two more weeks to BT 2. And I don't think I know any more than when I first started on the holidays. And this holiday is turning out to be... quite unexpected. I think I'm changing as a person. I'm not sure.

But I'll continue towards You and towards Truth, Lord. I won't rationalize and I won't justify, but all the same I don't want to just take the conventional way out because it'll be easier to. I'll listen out for Your voice, Father - and I'll have faith.

Just 2 more weeks 'til we meet, world. And I am seriously not in ANY position to take any flak from you or your cronies. So buzz off and DON'T edge in on my holidays anymore than you have to.

2008-06-05T10:29:00.001-07:00

Argh.

Didn't get much work done today.

Thank God there's only going to be 2 more days of Dance rehearsals before we break...

Then I can finally study.

***

I'm realizing that I can't stand school more and more.

Initially, I thought that this break from school would send me back to school with a fresher mind. Either I need a longer break, or a new school.

Hm. Time for me to turn into an anti-social moron who only cares about studying... If I haven't been behaving like that already.

***

On a brighter note, 16 MORE HOURS!!!

"And between now and then
'Til I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me"

That song has been in my head all day. I don't know why, but I hope you do see it before we meet:)

And I wish I had the ability to take away all your pain, but I don't. So I can only do my best, hoping that it's enough.

Two more weeks and a bit to BT 2.

I wonder if things will remain as they are...

For our sake, I hope they do.

2008-06-03T06:22:00.000-07:00

Today was hard without you.

I'd look at my phone every time I had the chance, all the while knowing that there wasn't going to be anything.

I threw myself into the practice and tried my best to forget, but it somehow always came back to you.

I danced vigorously with my partners, but all that couldn't replace the emptiness created from that hug you gave.

I was stressed, and I thought of you, and I couldn't - wouldn't - talk to you.

Everything I thought of, everything I did, you were always at the back of my mind.

I couldn't bear to see anyone today except for those people I had to - because they just weren't you.

The song was so beautiful - and everytime I read it I felt like crying - and you know I don't cry.

I tried to focus more on God today, and I guess it helped to some extent.

I still miss you, though.

... And at the end of the day, when the place was finally quiet and I was alone, I wondered if you were thinking of me and missing me like I do you.

I hope we both find God in this - that God would be the centre of us at the end of the day.

"Tomorrow we'll discover what our God in Heaven has in store
One more dawn
One more day
One day more..."

2008-06-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

God.

I'm so confused now.

My mind is in so much turmoil now, I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't even know if what I've been doing is wrong, I don't even know if what I've been feeling - both ways - is right, and - God. I really don't know.

I have no idea what to do. There's near no one to talk to, no one who would understand, no one at all.

What am I griping about anyway. I should've been used to that feeling long ago.

Now this deep sense of loss permeates my whole being and my heart's feeling heavy. I don't know where to go, don't know who to run to. And God - I dunno.

Sometimes I really wish Jesus would quickly come, so that we can all go to Heaven and none of this rubbish will be existent anymore.

Either that, or I go to Heaven soon anyway.

How? How?

Sacrifices.

It feels like a piece of my heart's going to be cut out.

I wonder, did Abraham feel like that? Or did he know all along that God would provide?

I guess he knew. He had faith, and it was 'accounted to him for righteousness'.

Thank You, Lord, for reminding me to trust in You. To trust, COMPLETELY, for everything.

At least there's peace now. Knowing God would take care of everything.

"World, I'll see you in 3 weeks. And if you piss me off, just watch out."

2008-05-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

This week has been real good.

The break from school has really done me wonders.

I grin... a lot, now.

But that's another story.

You know who you are, though :)

Dance has been picking up like crazy, and practices are so intense now, my body is aching so badly. Even my neck is aching badly, so you can imagine how the practices are.

Meanwhile, I have started some on my work - which is good, and I'm glad. I've got to pick up the tempo, though. No time whatsoever to slack.

But my mood has been way up for reasons beyond anyone's thinking or consideration, as of now. Sure, there's been consequences, but I'd rather have this than not at all.

Thank You, Lord, for the people You've placed in my life. But still, help me not to forget to put You first in everything that I do.

Ah well. 3 more weeks to BT 2. And the holidays still stretch out in front of me.

I'm going to relish every single moment of it.

And with you.

2008-05-28T20:35:00.001-07:00

"Once in a lifetime means there's no second chance..."

The last time I watched HSM 2 was a long, long time ago.

Before the New Year was ushered in.

Memories.

That night at the playground.

Heh.

It was really good. Nostalgic? In a fond way.

How much times have changed in a short span of months.

2008-05-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

And with a breath of relief I walked out of school.

And the demons in my head just went away.

It was a real relief for me, today, as I walked out of school, to know that I wouldn't have to be in contact with anyone else [apart from CCA people] until after the holidays. My mind just calmed and the turmoil within just lessened, and I found enough willpower within me to ask the remaining clamour to shut up.

Then I apologized to God for my bad behaviour. And today - today, I really connected with God once again. It's been so long since I last had a proper quiet time. And peace just really flowed into my soul.

And I'm calm again. I'm fine. I know I can do this, I know that when I get through this month, I'll be alive again.

This is really, really needed - a retreat for my inner batteries to recharge. To not think about anything that would affect me in a negative way.

Just... God. Studies, definitely. But no structured learning, thank God for that.

You know, perhaps shutting the world out does have its benefits. You're just with yourself, and nothing can touch you without your permission.

Perhaps this is hardening my heart, but in a weird way, I'd rather have this for now.

But I'm cool now. I'll take things one step at a time. I won't break down - that I know. It's all under control in God's hands now.

World, kindly get the hell out of my life now. I'll deal with you when BT 2 swings around again.

2008-05-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

My life is perfect.
Nothing is perfect.

Therefore, my life is nothing.

Seriously, people.

This may seem like a totally egocentric post, but I can assure you it is not.

My life may seem perfect. I may seem perfect, okay, but whatever it is, that's just the case. It seems - notice the italicized words? Implies emphasis and draws attention to what I want to be made known - seems perfect. It is by no means perfect, or anywhere near it. Just because it looks it does not mean it is.

I go through issues as well, okay? I have problems, I have insecurities as much as the next guy - more even, considering the fact that I think so much. I have troubles with God as much as anyone could ever - definitely much more than the ordinary person seeing as how I seem to have discovered so many revelations from God, but it's all just head knowledge as I don't seem to be able to apply it in my life. I hate, I'm bitter, I resent, I'm not always happy and fun and positive, so don't even think for a close second that I'm perfect, cos I'm not. NO-FREAKIN'-WAY.

Do I really need to spell out more problems? If so, then include my totally lousy grades in, my constant procrastinations, my failure to look even remotely decent, not forgetting how I always screw up friendships intentionally or not. I don't even have a best friend I can tell things to, most probably on account of the fact that I'm too clingy, to quote some people. That I'm too much. That I'm overbearing.

So screw envy/jealousy/whatever, because I don't need to have this kind of thing making my life worse than it already is, because I have no more spare energy to deal with that kind of attitude from anyone.

And by this line here [if you even bothered reading this far despite the apparent detest you must feel for me now], let me once again say that it is not an egocentric post, but don't let me judge what you think. Know why? I don't want to be overbearing.

That's my personality and I can't change it.

So if you have any problems with that, start ignoring me, or giving me the cold shoulder, or just don't speak to me at all. Give me half-hearted replies when I speak to you or msg you, or just don't bother at all.

Join the club. You won't be the first to have done so.

2008-05-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

There's something wrong with me.

I'm stuck in a rut that I can't seem to get out of, try as I might.

It's stupid, cos it's all lousy selfishness and ecocentricity. Why, I can't even remember the last time I did something remotely unselfish.

It's all been about me, myself and I. Not even God figures in this universe.

I don't even know how long it's been. Procrastination that I've always self-deprecated about is one thing that's seriously hindering me here.

Just once, just once...

I need a break.

From everything.

From everyone.

From myself.

I need to get to a place where I'm not thinking about me. Or anyone associated with me.

I hate this place I'm in.

Solace.

I'm banging at the iron cells that hold me in. My hands are bruised and bleeding, but still I bang away. Despite the pain, despite the hurt, despite the circumstances, I try. And try. Because I don't want to stay here any longer. A prisoner caught in the web of his own desires and lusts. It's all the same. Fulfilment that's merely temporary. Something - something eternal. Something of more substance.

It's all he can do to reach in and take a glance at his soul. A wisp of smoke. The fall of what used to be a flame burning proud and strong. It's almost gone now, he can see. And he despairs. The slightest whiff and it's gone. All gone. Everything he'd worked for. All gone.

Then he sees a hand descend on the flame. And all he can think of is that it's going to be extinguished. The hand is going to fan it off. But it doesn't. Instead, it cups smouldering speck and a breath from above is gently blown on it. And - amazingly - the flame holds. Strenthens, even.

And he realizes that there is hope. Maybe.

2008-05-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

Today was just off.

When the holidays started, I really, really thought I wouldn't be seeing anyone until BT 2 came around. And I was really, really happy with that idea.

Then comes the first day of the holidays where I have to go back to school.

Which isn't so bad, considering. It's not like I'm anti-world or anything. It's just that when I see people I'm trying to take a break from, it really pisses me off.

And I mean the kind that would just have you totally obliviating yourself from anyone, which is more or less what I did.

It's just so stupid. I require this time to get back on my feet, and just NOT meet anyone that would send my mind on a rampage and get totally turned off by every single little thing that said persons do. And this school has to make us come back.

And if that's not enough, my parents are able to show their perfect concern for me by darting their eyes to the TV whenever I'm talking to them about something serious LIKE having them meet my teachers to discuss some things. Which they apparently care for me enough to not want to go. Oh yes, not forgetting the parts where they jump to stupid conclusions and assume things about me that are so NOT true.

I am so close to something entirely vulgar spewing out of my mouth.

So yeah, I was like that the second half of the day. Not like anyone bothers or anything. And I'm freaking indulging in self-pity here which I absolutely hate when I start, so it'll be better for me to just go off.

Maybe I won't go to school tomorrow.

"Cos it's me against the world - and the world is winning."

2008-05-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

The holidays are finally here.

Thank God.

This is really a much-needed break to recharge my batteries - the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical aspects of my seriously drained body and mind.

This is good too. To break away from everything and everyone to just have some time alone with me, myself and God.

Of course I'll have to study, but I think studying's so much more effective if it's not institutionalized. That's a little ironic since study is a factor of institutions, but you catch my drift.

***

It sucks cos everytime a teacher says, "After BT 2, you only have 6 weeks to your Prelims. You do not have much time at all." and all I can think of is how Rapture is 3 weeks after BT 2, which leaves me 3 weeks to study for Prelims. Which really, really sucks. I know I asked for it, and I don't regret it, but allow me some ranting space here since I'm really, really tired.

***

Anyway. I've been focussing a lot more on things that are important and essential for my survival. Love, for one thing. When I see all my past posts on love, I get this sense of something that's so childish and selfish. The understanding I have of love is just so much wider - there was something I really, really missed out on. And now I know. And I'm glad. And I thank God for showing it to me.

Knowing is one thing. Practicing is... well, something else entirely.

But I'm glad. I'm glad for where I am now. And I praise God for it.

Cos the holidays have started. And to me, it seems like a field of opportunities, all ripe for the taking. Opportunities to do so many things.

And I am the labourer in that vineyard ready to harvest till the windows of heaven open.

"My first girlfriend became the Moon." "That's tough, my friend."

2008-05-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

One last-ditch attempt to type out a coherent blog post.

Not that I've been trying.

But whatever.

I guess I've never really appreciated my class as they are. On Saturday, I found out how fantastic that bunch is. It was my fault - that I know, but the way they comforted me was just... too cool, really. And it's not like I've been spending lots of time with them or anything like that, so the way they treated me really made me thankful for them.

TO ALL 07A06-ERS - YOU GUYS ROCK!

And they're all really cool. And I mean all. Literally. They're too understated, anyway. For me, at least.

***

I think I'm a flirt. Not the good kind, but the bad kind. The really bad kind. The one that steals his best friend's girlfriend just because it'd be fun to. And I mean that seriously. The kind that'll talk to a friend's crush because he knows her and his friend doesn't. The kind that would chat up a friend's eye-candy so he can show his friend that he dares to talk to her.

The kind that everyone hates, basically.

The worst thing is, it's all unconscious. And that's what scares me. I don't realize until it's over and I've analyzed it. IF I've analyzed it.

Not that I've done that a whole lot - just the little things that show me that I am like that. And this is small-scale - imagine if I had more friends who were attached.

I think I'd be the most hated person on earth or something.

Ah, forget it.

I still have my Lit essay to finish.

And I'm not even half through.

It's going to be another long night...

"I was trying to enjoy my night but then you came here."

2008-05-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I blogged in school.

Since there's really nothing better to do.

Cos my personal space totally got invaded by a pair of annoying caterwaulers "singing" and disturbing the peace.

Get a life, really. Oh yeah, and get some critics. And vocal training. Cos it's really getting annoying whenever you just play your handphone music out loud when no one really bothers or wants to hear. And that's not even getting to your voices.

I'm feeling quite pissed now, because of that. Also with myself, for feeling like that.

But they're really, really getting to me. And it annoys me.

You know, talking to you takes up a LOT of energy. So don't expect me to be nice to you all the time - it's only when I can. If not, seriously, don't come into my life. It's so much less complicated without you. And your... friend.

Glad that's out of the way.

2008-05-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

I visited the page that showed up blank. Checking the window, I saw the word "Done". Perhaps it was my computer. Perhaps it's a manifestation of something. Perhaps it was intentional. I really hope it's the first.

Alright, something frivolous for today. Hopefully.

So I ended school today at 12 - wasted a little time 'til 1, since we can't leave school until 1. Which is a totally annoying rule which should be abolished.

Then I went to meet Colin for a swim - haven't been a pool in a majorly long time.

When we crashed the condo [his ex], we realized that they were fogging the place. So we waited until they were done, then we jumped in.

After splashing around for a little while, we realized that the fogging was coming back through the annoying ventilation systems, so we ended up slacking.

And I didn't get any swimming done at all today.

Hopefully, though, I got tanned.

And I realize I can't really be frivolous when I'm in this mood.

Cos typing that chunk out was quite boring me.

Imagine what it must be like for you, dear reader.

So I shall not attempt to be flitty and enthusiastic and optomistic since it is not very becoming of me especially when I'm not in that mood.

Today was... tiring. [This is partly due to me talking to my friend until 2 in the morning the night before - but that point is moot.]

Seemed like a little of my moodiness came back today.

I'm getting tired. Really tired. Don't think it's only you - it affects the people around you as well. Including me, alright?

I've really got to step up my game.

"Getcha head in the game, or the game will get to your head!"

2008-05-08T07:41:00.001-07:00

So I did some evaluations of my feelings and emotions.

And I realized something.

All these blog posts about love and stuff - and I don't really have it.

I analyzed myself. And I realized, through it all, what I was concerned with was more with how I felt than how the other party felt.

Totally selfish of me, I know.

And what's worse is that it was all unconscious.

Only recently - recently! - have I realized that I actually felt like that. For the past year or so, I've been like that, I only knew it recently.

I'm sorry for that. I'm truly sorry for that. To you both. It might have looked like I was all self-sacrificial, but the truth is, I was only concerned with myself. I'm sorry.

God really showed that to me. And I guess, despite all that talk about love, I still don't really know what it is. I've never really felt that before.

I suppose I've never allowed myself to feel more love for someone else than for me. Even for God.

So it looks like I'm self-centred. BIG time.

AND I've got to work on that.

Thank You, Lord, for that grace that enabled my eyes to be open and really see what I've been missing out. And for the mercy to change.

I also realize that I haven't been walking with God all that strongly either. So many mistakes.

But time. That's one thing I know I have. In His time.

"QUICK! THINK OF SOMETHING WITTY TO SAY!" "HEY MATHEUS"

Thanks.

2008-05-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been there all along. Just that I didn't reach out and touch it.

Thank You, Lord, for showing me.

It's so irritating that I keep forgetting things I shouldn't. Forgetting things that could've prevented all that whole fusillade of emotional rides that lead to no point. Forgetting things that He's taught me, time and time again.

Thank God He's so patient. That He'd teach me things again once I forget them.

Mercy... Grace... Love.

I'm glad for that inner peace now. It was always available. But somehow it gets lost when I dwell too much on things that are not good for my soul.

I promised myself that I wouldn't let my soul, my spirit get lost in that mad, materialistic rush for 4 As for the A Levels. It's just not worth it.

I'm just feeling so grateful to God now. I can't even express it, because it'll only look like I'm repeating the same words over and over again.

So I guess this post shall be short.

Shift.

"I don't want to reach that stage, Lord, where I get 4 As for the A Levels but I lose my soul and my spirit in the process. I mean, I know I can get those 4 As, but I don't want to have to do that. It isn't worth it. Help me, Lord."

2008-05-06T07:22:00.000-07:00

So, Perdana. Looks like one way or another, we've both become hardened cynics.

Heh.

Let it be, then.

I know I'm hardening up at an exponentially increasing rate, but I'm helpless to do anything but watch me just envelop myself until I'm seemingly fine. Then I'll probably implode.

Speaking of math terms, I thought of an mathematical analogy of God's love [Don't read if you're currently feeling stressed about Maths. Seriously.]

Take the equation: z + 1 - i ≤ z - 1 + i, and represent it graphically. Also, take that Re(z) is the other person's love for you and Im(z) is your love for the other person.

The point where the two points are equal is like the point where you love others as much as they love you - kind of like the start of a friendship, where the other person reciprocates as much as you. When the love of God overcomes you, you move into the region of z + 1 - i < z - 1 + i; however, the conditions for that first point is z > 0, which is to say that your love will always be positive, even though the other person's love for you is negative. God, however, is able to put the condition where Im(z) > ∞, and thus you can only ever love with God's love, although Re(z) may hit the negative regions of ∞.

Another point: Im(z) is a representation of something imaginary; know why? Cos to the world, the kind of love in which we love with is impossible, is imaginary, cannot/does not exist in the real world, and only in the theoretical state of mind.

So that was my graphical representation of God's love. On paper.

And it's possible to perform it. I know this, because I have done it before. But my emotions are kinda preventing me from doing so. This lackadaisical atttitude that has seized me; no longer Carpe Diem, it calls for Que Sera, Sera. And it's not good. It's really not.

If you would just allow me...!

I feel apprehensive about the future. It seems dark, now I think of it. Yeah, I'm more or less in control of my material life [schoolwork, CCAs, everything else intellectual, mechanical, and unnecessary for the soul] like I never have been before, and that's good, and thank God for that. But my spiritual side cries out to God every night for help, for love, for wisdom, for more of that unconditional love that will be able to sustain me.

Unconditional love.

Agape.

I need more of that.

Really.

"C'mon! What're you doing??? Who told you to sit around on the premises waiting for the promises??? Do you think they'll just come like that? They won't! God wants you to expect something from Him and go for it! So expect. Something. From. God."

2008-05-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

I was okay, and now I'm not.

Freakin' mood swings.

It's official.

This SUCKS.

"Seeing what You did for me, how can I but love as well?"

2008-05-04T07:12:00.001-07:00

I wonder if you know... ...

2008-05-04T06:59:00.000-07:00

I guess my mood's improving.

At the very least, I don't snap at my parents anymore. Not that much, I think. My sister's still a bit of a problem, though. Sometimes I wonder if she has any EQ, cos the times I'm obviously emanating a 'PLEASE don't talk to me or don't blame me if I bite' attitude, she still talks to me.

That just made me think of something.

But I'm glad for this calm that's here in the meantime. And I have a feeling my life's back on track.

I'm determined, this time round. Full steam ahead with regard to everything in my life. Studies, dance, God - everything. Except maybe for friends. Call me cyncial or whatever, but I'm just going to be totally relaxed on that now.

Or not. I don't know.

Apart from that sole ambiguous issue in my life, things are pretty much going smoothly. Thank God.

Cos I was just feeling so stressed the other day, and I couldn't - wouldn't - talk to anyone. I was blasting music into my ears and my mind was in a turmoil while I was lying on the couch in the SC trying to sleep, while my head was screaming vulgarities. It was really intense. At the same time, I was really praying for everything to stop. It was like a war-zone in my head.

And that's not the only time I've been stressed.

Been feeling a lot of pressure lately.

Thank God my dad is currently in Bible school now. His mood seems a whole lot better, and he's really nice now. He's just - different. More gentle, I would say.

Meanwhile, I harden up everything so nothing can touch me. Going through this whole deal again.

Ah, but really. I just leave it all into God's hands now.

Emotions are so not for me.

"The last time I really cried, it was in Sec 1. And that wasn't even for a person. It was in church, and I was crying just because. I don't think I'll ever cry for a person. I won't allow myself to."

2008-05-02T05:39:00.000-07:00

Today was purely awesome!

Everything went well, and I was in top form! It was like nothing could stop me!

There were no insecurities, no feelings of low self-esteem, nothing at all - and that was just the start of it!

What's more, Mrs Tan didn't come, so we had no Lit lecture from 4 - 6! Really made my day, that news!!

On top of that, my flag blew out again while I was raising it - really majestic-looking, although it was going the wrong way. HAHA!

Then today's Friday - meaning I only had two periods - and ended at 12!

Seriously, everyone who saw me today could totally feel my happiness!

I mean, really, could my life get any better than this!

I'm doing quite well in almost everything that I've set out to do - and this day just really epitomizes it!

Today was just awesome. Really, really great. If everyday could be like that, I think I'd run out of joy fuel. HAHA!

I'm clearly in a high mood now - like high, high, high! Wheee!

Joyous!

Alright, I shall go off now. Haven't eaten my dinner yet. Heh.

Oh yeah, one last thing: Sarcasm is a great, effective tool to master for the pure purpose of manipulation in the English language.

"Stupidity breeds contempt."

2008-05-01T07:45:00.001-07:00

Egad.

I just spent the whole day at home doing nothing productive whatsoever.

At least I don't have that irritating lethargy lusting after my flesh to lie down on my bed and stone until I fall asleep.

That's good, I guess. I'd be more focussed tomorrow then. That is, if I don't stay online till 1 in the morning or something stupid like that.

But I guess I do feel a whole lot better.

Been rejuvenated quite some, and I don't mean just in the physical sense. I'm speaking mental, emotional, spiritual as well.

Was feeling really tired, drained and exhausted.

Glad that's over.

I find I work better when I have competition to stimulate me. I don't think that's very good, though. It's like I can't be self-sufficient and motivate myself to study.

Ah well. Time to move on and change some habits then.

H'm. Guess I'm equivocating a lot today. Without me even noticing until I've typed it out.

Least I'm in a clearer state of mind then most days.

Thank God for the little reprieves along the way. Without them, I think I'd die.

Looks like I really have nothing to blog about.

Time to finish up that essay on Language then. Was due last week, and I started last week, but haven't gotten to finishing it up yet. Though I've got the points.

Just shows more of my procrastination "abilities".

"Would it be very selfish of me if I told God I wanted to go home to Him sooner than he wanted me to?"

2008-04-30T11:24:00.000-07:00

I miss you.

Come back soon.